Michael Phelps is a fierce competitor, always searching for an edge. Last summer, it was his swimsuit. This winter, it’s his bong. And not just any bong. In the picture zooming around the world, he’s using a ROOR, an expensive, high-end product that some people believe is the best-performing bong on the market.
According to connoisseurs, the ROOR is designed for—ahem—high performance. As opposed to being made like a hippified art object, it’s constructed from the glass you’d find in chemistry beakers, which makes it easy to clean. (Bongs, apparently, get quite sticky with tar.) It also has a series of clever seals: Tight rubber O-rings that prevent leaks and allow the smoke density to be regulated more easily. Finally, it’s designed to be used with very little water, cutting the stereotypical gurgling sound of a bong (not that we would know what that sounds like). According to reviewers, it’s downright stealthy. That’s Michael Phelps for you. Always looking for an edge, and never doing anything like an amateur.
Meanwhile, PR pundits are swarming to offer Phelps advice on how to restore his All-American multimillion dollar brand. Sam Chapman, CEO Empower Public Relations, states that Phelps’s brief apology is simply not enough. Chapman, CEO of Empower Public Relations, says, “Strategically speaking, it is not enough to briefly say you are sorry, not when you are paid 100 million dollars! People want to know the details behind this picture, such as how often he indulges in this vice, and if it might interfere with his swimming career. He should give a public interview on the subject and participate in a community service project with an anti-drug and alcohol program such as Above the Influence.”
Cue Barabra Walters. A few remorseful tears and a promise to do better should do the trick.
[Via Core 77]