LONG SHOT, HIGH ANGLE: A rain-slick, winding mountain road at sunset. A Ford truck takes the turns, fast and confident. A hand in a driving glove holds a frosty mug of Budweiser out the window. The rays of the setting sun angle through the glass and refract into an American flag.
INT. TRUCK: A sunglasses-wearing dog is at the wheel, Heidi Klum at his side, wearing a baby-doll T with the Victoria’s Secret logo. She begins to pull it over her head.
(approvingly) RRRRww —
ANGLE ON Klum, who finishes removing the Victoria’s Secret T to reveal another shirt with the DeWalt Tools logo. She produces a DeWalt drill and revs it suggestively.
The dog takes a sip of Bud.
Rex, look out!
The truck is about to slam into a column of slow-walking Clydesdales. The dog jams on the brakes.
SFX: Squealing brakes. CLOSE ON a Bridgestone tire grabbing heroically at the slick surface. POP OUT as the truck goes sailing off the road into space.
CUT TO a modest urban apartment. Two average-looking roommates are slumped on a couch dining on Pizza Hut PANormous pizzas, KFC boneless wings, Dunkin’ Donuts, Taco Bell gorditas, McDonald’s Big Macs, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, and Dr Pepper. Guy #2 is talking on a Verizon phone.
Nothing ever happens here.
The truck CRASHES THROUGH THE WALL. Devastation. Rubble everywhere. The million-person mass of the Verizon network peers through the hole in the wall, some of them dusty with plaster, others bloodied. The Verizon guy screams into his phone, but no sound issues from his lips.
(in shock, into phone) I can’t hear you now. My God, I can’t hear you now.
The neighbors are gonna be pissed.
The door flies open to reveal Captain Morgan, the Burger King, and the Geico caveman. The weeping caveman is holding the broken body of the Geico gecko.
He had so much to live for…. He was taking Pilates!
The neighbors? What about the landlord?
SANJAYA FROM “AMERICAN IDOL” bursts through the door.
What have you no-goodniks done to my beautiful garden apartment?
A sprinkler in the ceiling goes off, wetting everyone, especially Heidi Klum — now wearing a GoDaddy.com T-shirt — who begins typing on a laptop suggestively. Captain Morgan produces a Mojito from within his tunic and offers it to Sanjaya.
Oh, well. What the hecks.
Everyone joins Klum in dancing. The dog looks into the camera, lowers his sunglasses, and winks.
This party is through the rrr — oof!
As the dog starts to dance the Robot,
FADE TO BLACK