Instant Intimacy

If he is right, the path to creating "instant intimacy" is not about "getting" people to go deep into themselves. It's about "allowing" people to go deep. So how do you do that? I think you start by setting a safe place, one without judgment. Perhaps the best way to lay that ground is to just say it or show it in your actions. The other is to share a little of yourself first. Tell them what really drives you and invite them to share their interests and passions as well. Find out what they really love in life when they're not at the conference. Is it their children, their golf game, or their community service?

The deeper you go, the more permission you give others to do deep as well. Then, listen, listen, listen and enjoy. That last piece is crucial. People know if you don't care what they are saying. But you need to care. You need to focus and enjoy the humanity that is in everyone around us.

Your objective is not to dump all your issues on someone else. You just want to share enough of yourself so that other people can feel comfortable sharing some of themselves. And ultimately, you win when someone feels like they've been deeply understood and when they discover you're human just like them.

Your Challenge: Skip the Small Talk

With all this in mind, next time you're at a conference or a social gathering and you have only a few minutes to meet someone, I challenge you to skip the small talk as quickly as you can. Don't let the recap of the day's weather last very long! Quickly direct the conversation to stuff that really matters - your and their passions and interests, personal or professional. Yeah, there's always the temptation to make idle chitchat about whatever happens to be in front of you -- the appetizers, the table centerpiece, etc. But it's just as easy to say something like the following to someone at a conference: "Hey, what do you think of this conference? Frankly, I struggled in deciding to come. I've been traveling so much lately and my spouse is giving me a hard time and I miss the kids. That said, I'm really finding talks like the last one to be pretty valuable..." With lines like that, you can share a ton in a totally appropriate manner and open up the door for your conversation partner to do the same. Then take care to be understanding of their thoughts and feelings, and you'll be well on your way to quicker, if not instant, intimacy.

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