1. Broadband Inadequacy

A lot of guys don't even know they have connectile dysfunction, but you can tell when someone has been cured because they've got a little extra broadband in their browser. Right, Sprint? Wink, wink. Of course, if your throughput persists for more than four hours, see your IT guy.

2. Wedgie Worries

Sometimes your underwear rides up. It happens. Go to the bathroom and fix it. For Hanes, though, a wedgie is an opportunity to market a new pair of panties -- by making women feel bad about what's inevitable when you wear clothes and walk around.

3. Vegetablephobes

Campbell's latest V8 Juice campaign demonizes a series of doofuses who do things like pick tomatoes off sandwiches. They then get smacked around -- even by the family dog -- for not realizing that they could be drinking their veggies. Campbell's thinks you're dumber than a golden retriever, discerning eater. Don't screw it up by drinking from the ketchup bottle.