Google Maps [3] is now available [4] as a free iOS6 [5] app. Which, broadly translated, means that all the miserable iPhone 5 gremlins who've been reminiscing about the good old days when they could see their feet using the iPhone's built-in Google mapping service, as they kvetch [6] about Apple's young, green, but well-meaning, map service [7], can switcheroo to Google Maps. And with that, let me sketch this great idea for an update to West Side Story, albeit a less tragic one, where no one gets offed.

Picture the scene. It's the mean streets of Silicon Valley, with Bernstein's Sharks and Jets replaced by the Apples [8] and Googles [9]. They're going to have a rumble, to-niiiiiiiight. Google will have its way, to-niiiiiiight. Except they don't, because Apple's maps app is so still having teething problems [10], meaning that the Apple gang doesn't get to the right location where said rumble is taking place.

So, while the black T-shirts are flexing their muscles, sharpening their Nexus 4 [11]s and chanting their war cry of "Do no evil!" in a parking lot somewhere, the black turtlenecks are still driving around the 'hood in their unlicensed silver Mercedes people carrier, stabbing at their iPhones [12], generally getting a bit hot under their collars [13] (well, they are wearing turtlenecks, this is part of turtleneck law) and wondering where their opponents are.

Dramatic denouement: the Apples and the Googles don't face up for an app-off, no one gets killed, and Larry Page [14] gets to sing the song "Marissa [15]" as the climax to the musical.

Coda: It seems that Microsoft is the Schrank of my updated West Side Story and Windows 8 the Officer Krupke. Google ain't going to be doing Windows Phone versions of its apps, due to lack of users, it says [16].