When John (unless explicitly identified by full name and company affiliation, names have been changed to protect identities) worked for a global energy company, he gained skills and visibility through the coaching of his mentor and boss, Richard. But when Richard fell out of favor, suddenly John lacked cover. He was so strongly associated with his boss that his stock started to fall, too.
Alice was so effectively advised by her mentor that she started to overtake him. When Alice found herself within striking distance of his job, she was distraught. If she didn't go for it, her company's hard-charging culture would write her off. But if she did, she'd feel disloyal.
Ah, mentoring. No one disputes its value, but its pitfalls are legion. Since the 1970s, studies have repeatedly demonstrated that mentoring is the single most valuable ingredient in a successful career for both men and women. So now everybody wants a mentor. But mentors aren't fairy godmothers; they can't and shouldn't be expected to make all your dreams come true. For women and minorities in particular, the overexpectation problem is acute. Female leaders are often expected to fill the roles of mother, sister, girlfriend, and activist -- and do their day job. Minority executives speak of a responsibility to "lift as we rise," to improve conditions for the whole group while carving out their own careers. Men are often wary of mentoring women, fearing gossip and innuendo, but they also don't want to appear sexist. Considered together, it's inevitable that mentoring will consistently create issues of trust and confidence. So how can you negotiate these effectively? What should you be thinking about when initiating a relationship with a mentor, and what should you expect? What are the rules of the mentoring game?
Find someone who is committed to the relationship, will give it time, wants to see you thrive, and doesn't need to compete with you. Be explicit about needing honest feedback, not just moral support. A great mentor tells you when you're brilliant, but more important, delivers tough love. This also means that you have to be prepared to listen to some hard truths and awkward questions. When Saj-nicole Joni was a rising executive at Microsoft, her finance person kept making mistakes, which she pointed out as soon as he passed out his spreadsheets. Meeting with her mentor, Jeff Raikes, she expected praise for the division's best ever quarter. Instead, he read her the riot act. "I don't care if Jack's numbers are wrong, or how smart you are," he said. "You don't treat a junior employee like that in front of others. If you don't fix this, you aren't going anywhere." Tough love of the best sort. And Joni fixed it fast.
Many companies run formal mentoring programs, and if yours does -- go for it. You can learn a great deal about corporate policies, politics, and fault lines just by watching these relationships. But when mentor and protege work for the same company, there will always be things that can't safely be discussed.
When Jane signed up for her ad agency's mentoring program, she was a little daunted when the company assigned Jacqui to be her mentor. A managing associate, Jacqui had a reputation as a ferocious leader who drove teams hard to get results; she had little interest in feedback or dialogue. Jane learned a lot from her, though, and they got along well. But when Jane heard that most of Jacqui's group thought Jacqui was heading for a fall because she wasn't listening, Jane could only take it in, not intervene. Formal mentoring programs obey formal lines of command. There's a limit to what you can share.
Not all mentoring relationships need to be so formal or follow the chain of command. When Paige Arnof-Fenn ran the Olympic Coin Program, which raised funds for the Atlanta Olympics, her mentor was her assistant, Beverly Spears. "I learned more watching Bev handle people and situations than you can imagine," she says. "She always took the high road and never compromised her integrity." Spears's ability to teach Arnof-Fenn how to handle complex personality politics turned Arnof-Fenn into a strong corporate player and illustrates how mentors can be found at any level. Their informal relationship continues to this day, because it wasn't fundamentally based on their business relationship.
We all have areas of expertise. Find someone -- inside or outside your organization -- who you consider outstanding in your field. When Ed Hotard was COO of Praxair, a Union Carbide spinoff, he made a habit of introducing his highfliers to leaders in the same disciplines in other companies. He wanted to give them the opportunity to stretch themselves in their field. But some were too preoccupied with day-to-day operations to find the time. "I didn't blame them," he says, "but I found that those who didn't take advantage of the introductions weren't going to progress very far." Hotard provided expertise mentors to deepen his proteges' knowledge and experience, but he also used the introductions to test for professional and intellectual ambition.
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