The Female CEO ca. 2002

"Neutron Jack" Welch and "Chainsaw Al" Dunlap may have inspired men, but macho leadership styles continue to alienate women. The Boom Boom Room of Smith Barney was more luxurious than the cubicles of software startups, but I've talked to too many women in both environments who have been -- and who continue to be -- subjected to routine sexual harassment. I've even unwittingly hired some of the perps -- liberated guys who definitely know better.

The truth is, the macho exhilaration of coding through the night holds no charm for female engineers. For women executives, racing rental cars around the hotel parking lot is not a cheap thrill. But you will find women enduring these events -- sometimes even competing to join them -- because they know that it's where the important information always surfaces. When women are asked to name the most significant factors that are holding them back from advancement, the top two answers are "exclusion from informal networks of communication" and "male stereotyping and preconceptions of women."

And it's not just about sex. There's also the money: Men still routinely underpay women and think nothing of it. For years I was the only woman CEO at CMGI. But it wasn't until I read the company's proxy statement that I realized that my salary was 50% of that of my male counterparts. I had the CEO title, but I was being paid as if I were a director.

Of course, I was already accustomed to environments that were riddled with stereotypes. At one point in my career, I received the following email: "I am concerned that you are building a company with too much of a female orientation. We are very strong in female subject promotions and very weak on the male subjects. Your employee population and Board of Directors composition seem to reflect this, as well. For instance, we seem to be strong on promoting gossip, cooking, stars, TV dramas, etc., but much lighter on the major sporting events, business, financial markets, science, autos, etc."

I saved that email. What amazed me about it was that man's preconceptions about "female" and "male" interests. Apparently, women aren't interested in sports, cars, or money.

Here's the bottom line: Toxic bosses claim to like women. But they like them strictly as ornaments, not as power players. Toxic bosses aren't overtly, outrageously sexist -- except in occasional emails. And they're not even impossible to work for. But they do poison the atmosphere and pollute the environment. They do create alienating, macho cultures in which it's tough for women to have much fun. Somehow, they can never quite get over their feeling that women in business are charming, submissive, fun to have around, and nice as eye candy -- but never quite "one of us."

Which is why women are leaving big companies as fast as they can. By 2005, there will be about 4.7 million self-employed women in the United States, up 77% since 1983. The increase for men? Just 6%. Women leave because they want to work differently and because they don't want to have to add the second job of becoming a change agent to their existing job. Women don't want to redecorate the company. They want to build something new, different, and theirs -- from scratch.

2. Women's choices are limited: What'll it be? Geisha, bitch, or guy?

Everywhere I go, I hear women tell me that in order to progress, women must assimilate. They have to learn to act like a guy. Carly Fiorina's grim stare from the cover of Business Week, complete with cropped hair and dull-gray suit, suggests that assimilation works.

It just doesn't look like much fun. "Of all of the female lawyers who joined my firm when I did, only one remains," one female Boston attorney told me. "And she's just like a guy. I left because I didn't want to play the game."

Not surprisingly, none of the women I've spoken with really wants to be a man. And their stories have made me rethink my own. At one of the companies I ran, a core part of my job was to negotiate agreements with the labor unions. One of the union bosses took me out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant. He used the opportunity to order the most gruesome items on the menu: webbed chicken feet, ducks' tongues, lambs' testicles. The challenge was obvious -- and I rose to it. I wasn't about to let him intimidate me; I ate it all. But where I used to tell that story with pride, I now realize that, in a way, I fell into his trap. A far better response to his test would have been to simply order my own dishes, food that I preferred. I should have refused to do the guy thing.

The alternative roles aren't any better. Geishas get jobs because they've got great legs, dress well, or in some way decorate the boss's office. They endure routine flattery -- "You're such a treasure!" -- and in the process, they end up trivialized. Assertive women get labeled as bitches. There's even a program in California for "bully broads," women whose assertiveness scares men and whose companies send them off to finishing school to learn how to temper their "challenging" behavior. The Taming of the Shrew comes to business.