Family Values

Another sticking point is money. Couples may value spending more time at home. But to do so at the expense of material comforts can be scary. In this realm, husbands and wives often collude to destructive effect. Men value their ability to provide economically as a true measure of their worth as fathers. And women worry about derailing their husbands' careers for fear of the financial fallout.

Exactly how couples address their dilemmas is the question that pervades ThirdPath workshops. DeGroot asks participants to think strategically -- first about their goals for child care, and then about their goals for their work. Her message is that nothing is inevitable. At work and at home, we have the power to shape our destinies.

Designing a child-care solution is a pretty straightforward process. DeGroot proposes four basic models for marrying work and kids: A traditional arrangement, in which one spouse stays at home full time; the "one-parent flex" model in which one spouse works flexibly or part time; a full-time care system that requires paid care while both partners work; and so-called shared care, in which both spouses work slightly less than full time, each contributing to dependent care and house chores. Figuring out which model is right is a matter of coming to terms with fundamental questions about time, gender roles, and lifestyle. Rethinking work, though, takes some doing. Many knowledge workers have the option of choosing where and when they do their jobs. But few workers are able to control the flow of work itself, or the organizational norms that dictate work practices.

What a redesign actually achieves, DeGroot says, depends on the tolerance of the workplace and the flexibility of the worker. Employees can telecommute or shift their work hours, or they can change how they work by delegating tasks or by working more efficiently. Depending on their status in the labor market, they can seek jobs elsewhere or become their own bosses.

Bryant Simon and Ann Marie Reardon of Athens, Georgia are redesigning their work styles on the fly. Simon, 39, an associate professor of history at the University of Georgia, enjoys work that is extremely flexible. Aside from the 10 hours that he spends in the classroom each week, he can do his job at any time. That freedom allows him to care for his young son, Benjamin, most mornings.

The problem is that Simon himself is less than flexible. "I'm kind of a grind," he says. "I like getting up with Benjamin -- I don't care how early. But at 8:15 AM, my internal clock switches over and I have to start work." In the midst of writing a history of Atlantic City, he has felt challenged to change his nonstop work style in a way that accommodates his desire to stay involved with Benjamin.

Ultimately, it is Reardon, 34, who has truly redesigned her work. Although she earned more money than her husband when she worked full time, she cut back on her shifts as a pediatric nurse practitioner. She has also started working night and weekend hours to minimize the time that Benjamin spends with sitters. The arrangement is chaotic and guilt ridden on both sides, but it serves the family's central objectives.

No solution is perfect, of course, and every option is subject to constant change. This is DeGroot's final lesson. Priorities shift as families expand and age. A work design that made sense for a family with infants may not accommodate a family with teenagers. Indeed, Phyllis Moen's studies at Cornell show that men and women work distinctly different hours and have shifting priorities as their family's profile changes.

Perhaps we should view the marriage as a time-phased portfolio of activities. Changing jobs, shifting home responsibilities, and new personal opportunities all tug at a husband and a wife over the course of a lifetime. But work-life strategies can accommodate each new scenario. Ned Corcoran, 43, for example, recently left his post as Massachusetts's deputy secretary of transportation for a private law practice. Why? By making a lot more money, he created the prospect of future flexibility for his wife, Alison, 40, VP and general manager of Generation i at Polaroid Corp. At some point, she may choose to work less or choose to do something completely different.

But for now, combining their two intense, full-time jobs with raising three kids has made the Corcorans crazy. Reardon and Simon are going nuts too. So are DeGroot and Lutzner, in their own way. Portfolio theory doesn't eliminate the madness. The ThirdPath Institute doesn't promise quick fixes. Craziness is just part of the deal.