Family Values

In a perfect world, she imagines, men and women won't operate in separate spheres. They'll enjoy truly egalitarian marriages, sharing both the responsibility and the reward that comes with caring for others. They will be equally dedicated to meaningful careers, and they will have equal opportunities -- because employers will appreciate and account for the fact that both men and women have obligations outside of work.

But that's in a perfect world. It's a long way off. In the meantime, DeGroot will help couples push at the edges of an imperfect world. She will help them imagine new rules. "We're not asking for the moon and the stars," she says. "We're just looking for something that makes sense. And we don't want to wait for corporate America to change on its own."

Marriage Vows (I): Role Reversal

"This is the high point of my day." It is a sunny September afternoon, and Roger Mummert is padding down his driveway in shorts and bare feet. "It's Vinny, the mailman. Vinny and I can talk for four or five minutes."

There is Vinny, and the UPS guy, and sometimes a FedEx-delivery person. There is the school-bus driver, who today yells out, "I wouldn't let her off without giving me a smile," as Mummert's daughter Lily, 8, glumly disembarks.

Mummert, 46, has been working at home ever since he was laid off from his job at a publishing company. He is a writer and the owner of a communications business. He produces reports on economic and social trends for manufacturers and trade associations, and writes about food, wine, and travel for magazines. Occasionally, he does radio and television appearances.

"But all that," he notes, "is constricted by the responsibility of meeting school buses." For the past decade, Mummert also has been a stay-at-home dad, the primary caregiver for Lily and her sister, Sophie, 11. His wife, Robin, works full time as a sales executive for a New York fashion-accessories company. "I've been working at home for 10 years," Roger says, "and I haven't missed a thing. Well, I did miss one spring concert, and I still feel a sense of loss about that." He's grinning, but not joking. He was once the only man at the PTA's Breast Cancer Awareness Night. Every winter, he hosts a "latke festival" for 100 friends. "I've been there for the scraped knees. I've been part of the kids' lives at school. It has been wonderful."

"But during the past two years," he continues, "I've started to envision a different arrangement. Every once in a while, when I'm stuck in traffic between Hebrew classes and dance lessons, I think that it would be nice to be someplace else. I have an enormous itch to get out there, to get on the road. I worry that maybe I've missed the boat with my own career. There are opportunities that I only have a sense of and that I haven't really gotten to explore. I'm very happy being involved in the children's upbringing. But at the same time, I have a ball and chain here. Someone has to meet those buses."

Robin has her own regrets. She's been in the fashion industry for 20 years. She loves her work, and she's proud of her ample salary that, among other things, has made possible the recent renovation of their house in Syosset, New York. "What we have going sounds like the perfect setup, and it is," she says. "I'm lucky that it's my husband caring for our children.

"But I am jealous. I'm jealous that Roger is there with them all the time. The schools have functions at 11:30 AM or 1 PM, so I miss things. Our daughters say, 'Mom, why can't you take me off the bus?' or 'Why can't you work at nights, like others moms?' That's hard to take. Roger is a terrific father. He's very involved in the community, which I don't think I would be. He does soccer and the PTA and the driving. And all of that makes me nuts."

Sophie recently asked for help with a homework assignment: an essay on the maxim, "Life is a balancing act." In response, Robin described her own balancing act. "From 10 PM to 6 AM, I said, I'm Robin -- but I'm asleep. From 6 AM to 7:22 AM, I'm Mommy. I become Mommy's Career until I get home at 5 PM, and then I'm Mommy until 9 PM. It's very hard to be Mommy one minute and Mommy's Career the next minute. And Daddy doesn't fit into this schedule at all. What about time for him? Or for me?"