Life/Work - Issue 33

Full-time dads often struggle with respect -- getting it from others and having it for themselves. "Other dads rejected me, and I had real difficulty finding my place in the world," my brother-in-law acknowledges. "At times, being a stay-at-home dad has been devastating to my sense of self. I was raised to be a worker, but I found that I couldn't work part-time and still be a full-time parent. I feel proud that I've been a good father, and it's been fantastic to see the fruits of my labor, especially as my son becomes his own person. But I also know that I gave up a lot to do this."

In other ways, the job of a stay-at-home dad is less demanding than that of the average stay-at-home mom. Stereotypical patterns persist, even among couples who have reversed their roles as parents. Working fathers still often play minimal or secondary roles when it comes to child care. Women who work full-time while their husbands stay home commonly take on a lot of household and parenting responsibilities in the evenings, such as putting their kids to bed. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild has labeled this phenomenon the "second shift."

"Society expects working women -- but not working men -- to be very involved in their children's lives," says Robert Frank, a leading researcher in the field. In a 1996 study (which he outlines in "The Involved Father"), Frank asked several hundred couples a question: When both parents are available, which parent does the child go to? Among families in which the mother was the primary caregiver, the child went to her 78% of the time. Among families in which the father was the primary caregiver, the child still chose the mother 56% of the time. Frank believes that this is a reflection of cultural expectations, rather than of genetic predisposition.

Stereotyping also persists when it comes to household responsibilities. At-home dads, Frank and other researchers have found, are far less likely than at-home moms to do laundry or housecleaning -- in part because men seem to care less about such things. "I definitely have a lower standard for cleanliness than my wife does. I clean only when she tells me to," says Peter Baylies, 43, who takes care of his two children, ages 4 and 8, and who publishes a quarterly newsletter, called "At-Home Dad," that he writes from home. "I cleaned the bathroom the other day, but before that, it hadn't been cleaned in months." Jay Massey, 42, who stays at home with his son, Tucker, 5, cleans even less often. "When it comes down to who does the housework," he says, "the answer is nobody."

Many at-home fathers do at least some work from home, along with taking care of their children. Massey, for instance, is president of a Web-design business that he runs from his home. "My first job is Tucker, and my second job is Coco Design," he says. When his son was younger, Massey found time for his design work during nap time and late at night. Now that Tucker is in kindergarten everyday from 8 AM to 2 PM, Massey gets in nearly a full day's work before picking him up.

The bottom line is that we need to give men and women more choices -- without judging the ones that they make. The most common arrangement today, by far, is for both parents to work, above all because most families need two incomes to make ends meet. A growing body of research suggests that kids aren't suffering from having two working parents. A smaller number of parents -- though an increasing percentage of men -- prefer to be at home full-time with their kids. Children of such fathers seem to do especially well; researchers like Frank believe that the reason is that these kids typically have two highly involved parents.

For my part, I've sought a middle ground, working full-time -- but doing so from home. While our kids were little, my wife and I had the help of baby-sitters, but I still wanted to be around and available -- especially during those years when my wife was working in an office all day. Today is a good example of how my working at home benefits my kids. Emily, my 14-year-old, stayed home from school today because she's sick. A few moments ago, I interrupted work on this column to run to the local bakery to get her a treat -- although it's possible that I did so at least partly to help make my point.

The research on stay-at-home dads yields a clear message for fathers trying to balance work and family: Investing time in ordinary aspects of your kids' lives matters a lot, and having two involved parents is clearly the best of all possible worlds. For working men especially, that means that taking on at least some of the responsibilities that at-home parents do as a matter of course: setting up play dates, knowing the names of your kids' friends and teachers, getting involved in their schools, helping them with their homework, bathing them and putting them to bed, and being the one to respond to their occasional emergencies. All of this can make a huge difference in a child's life.