Life/Work - Issue 31

Who to believe? Galinsky is inclined to side with the kids -- on the grounds that parents have more incentive to say what they believe is socially desirable, and what they themselves wish were so. "We want so badly to be good parents that we tend to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt," Galinsky explains, putting it gently. My own, harsher conclusion: We're not giving kids the time that they need, and we'd rather exaggerate our involvement with them than face the truth and find a way to change it.

The impact of time is palpable. Kids whose parents spend less time with them are more likely to have trouble getting along with other children; to experience difficulty concentrating; to feel sad and depressed; to be nervous and high-strung; and to experience feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. "Again and again," Galinsky says, "we found that the quantity of time spent with mothers and fathers matters a great deal."

Conversely, kids who spend more time with their parents clearly appreciate it. Among children who spend six hours a day with their mother on workdays, for example, 83% gave her an A for making them feel important, compared with 62% of kids who spend an hour or less a day with their mother. And 90% of kids who spend six hours a day with their mother gave her an A for raising them with good values, compared with just 55% of children who spend an hour or less a day with their mother.

So what to make of this powerful evidence that kids need not only more time but also more focused and less stressful time with their parents? The most obvious answer would be for parents to work fewer hours and to spend more time at home. Realistically, that isn't likely to happen.

What may be possible is for working parents to change the way that they spend time with their children. It is here that the often-poignant responses of the kids in the study may be most useful to parents, whether or not they work outside the home. Drawing largely on feedback from kids, Galinsky has culled two dozen suggestions for parents. Five of them struck me as especially powerful.

Pay more attention to family routines and rituals. Children consistently cite the regular events in their lives as being positive and memorable -- whether it's eating dinner together as a family, reading or storytelling at bedtime, sharing family songs and stories, or creating rituals for saying good-bye at the beginning of the day and reconnecting at day's end. "Routines make life predictable and understandable," writes Galinsky. "Traditions are treasured rituals that we carry from childhood into adulthood."

Create boundaries in your life. Galinsky suggests that parents keep work and family separate by introducing what she calls "transition rituals" into their lives. That might mean listening to specific music during the morning commute in order to let go of family issues and to shift gears into work, and doing the reverse on the way home.

Be there when it counts. Kids consistently ascribe special importance to having their parents around for what they see as key events in their lives: sports events, plays and concerts, parents' nights at school, days when they stay home from school because of illness. This is one area where a small investment of time seems to yield large rewards. It's also in the best interest of employers to provide this sort of flexibility. Parents who are given the opportunity to be present at key moments in their kids' lives are likely to be less distracted and more productive when they're working.

Talk more about your work life. Most parents, the study found, say very little about their work to their kids, and often what they do say is negative. The result is another parent-child disconnect. Nearly 70% of mothers reported liking work "a lot," for example, but only 42% of kids have that impression of their parents' attitude toward work. Parents also tend to talk as if money were their primary reason for working, to the exclusion of describing other satisfactions that they derive from their job. "When we don't share our feelings about work constructively," Galinsky argues, "we are missing a chance to help frame our children's views about their own work in the future."

Find out how your kids are feeling, even if they seem to resist telling you. "What we found in talking to teenagers is that they feel conflicted," says Galinsky. "If they ask their parents for help explicitly, that makes them feel little again. Nonetheless, they do have issues that they want to be able to discuss with their parents. They may try to push you away, but they also appreciate it when you hang in there with them."