Betrayed by Work

"There was a definite pull for me to lean on this organization," she says. "I have lots of friends, but these days they are scattered all over the world. I see how easy it can be to turn to work for that sense of security and community."

She has since made a commitment to work less, by cutting back her weekend and evening hours. Every year, she makes sure to take a three-week vacation. But most important of all, she says, she has made "an internal shift," to keep a healthy distance from work. "You can work weekends, but you have to question your motives. Are you working for approval or because this is what you need to do to get the work done?"

She is also helping her patients to ask those same questions of themselves as they try to put their lives back together. For many, though, it is an uphill battle. Roughly one out of five of her patients tries to sue her employer. Virtually all file workers'-compensation claims, citing stress, even though Philipson warns all of them that such claims are notoriously difficult to prove and that the process -- during which they can be asked the most intimate questions -- can be absolutely grueling.

Philipson tells her patients to think of the dynamics that they are experiencing as those of a divorce. First, she says, you wonder why your marriage went wrong. Then, she says, you become angry. "But after that, you can either stay stuck in that moment," she says, "or you can feel hurt and move on."

Even those who win settlements from their employers find small comfort in the victory. The banker, for instance, recently reached an out-of-court settlement with her employer, but she is still haunted by the hurt and worries about how much to trust a future employer.

"I realize now that all that family stuff was just a means to an end for the company," she says, noting her bank has since merged with another large bank, yielding the top executives millions of dollars in severance pay. "I don't know how I will handle it in the future as a manager, because I also know that the people who don't buy into the hype aren't considered team players. They're also the first to go during layoffs."

Many who go back to work end up changing professions or going into business for themselves. But having once been betrayed by their employer, they tend to keep their emotional distance from work and feel sad about what they've lost. "I used to love my job. But these days, my job is just a job," says Schulenberg, now an accounts-payable representative at a Bay Area hospital. "A piece of me is gone and will never come back. And that's too bad."

Pamela Kruger (pkruger@fastcompany.com) is a Fast Company contributing editor. Contact Ilene Philipson by email (ilene_philipson@pathmakers.com).

Sidebar: Three Signs That Work Is (Too) Personal

We all want our work to matter. But how do you know if it has begun to matter too much? Psychologist Ilene Philipson offers three key warning signs.

1. You rarely miss work.

Philipson's patients were proud that they always came to work. But what that meant was that they forced themselves to work when they were sick and should have been in bed. They never vacationed with friends or family, and when they had to choose between attending their child's recital or going to a work-related meeting, they almost always chose the latter.

They always thought that putting work above all else made them valuable employees, but, in the end, it damaged their relationships, hurt their health, and "emotionally devastated them," says Philipson. "If you constantly give more than 100% of yourself to your job," she warns, "you'll find yourself with nothing left for friendships, family, or yourself."

2. What you enjoy most about your job is the praise you receive.

Most of Philipson's patients insist that they worked long days and longer nights because they "loved" their jobs. But if you dig deeper, Philipson says, you'll find that their primary motivation had less to do with the actual project and more to do with the praise and recognition they received. "They needed the approval, and they needed to be needed," says Philipson.

Wanting to feel valued and appreciated at work is fine. But, Philipson says, if you rely on work for a sense of self-worth, you're putting yourself at the mercy of the whims of the higher-ups. "Praise is nice, but you won't always get it. You need to be able to feel internal gratification from a job well done. You need to value what you do and know your assets" -- even when your employer doesn't.

3. Your closest friends are your colleagues.

It's inevitable: When you spend so many hours at work, you're going to make friends there. The danger, according to Philipson, comes when your entire support network is at the office. "At work, you are in a hierarchical situation, where you're vying for attention, raises, promotions," Philipson says. "Friendships can easily sour."