The Consultant

That's when the egg finally cracked. It was really liberating for her to recognize that because of what her organization was going through, and because of where she was in that organization, she would be doing more and more of the kind of stuff that she found draining. And this wasn't the kind of stuff that she excelled at. So she was haunted by a sense of failure: "I'm not doing well enough." Eventually she recognized that the fit was wrong. If this were a play, we would say that she had been miscast.

I went on a vacation, and on the flight back, I was thinking about her. I thought about suggesting that she take her two sons to some remote island for six weeks. But I figured that she would never do it. Then, when I got back, she told me that she had decided to retire: She had enough money, and there were some nonprofit boards that she wanted to sit on. I never expected her to take action so quickly. But I knew that she had made an extremely healthy choice.

Making Progress Means Making Choices

I don't go in and "fix" people. My job is to help people see alternatives when they feel that they don't have any -- when they feel boxed in. You hear the same words from so many different people: "I feel like I'm always behind. I'm barely treading water." But people have more choices than they think they do.

One question I like to pose to clients is this: "What are some examples of situations in which you said no to a work request: no to a project assignment, no to a business trip?" Then I ask, "What are some examples of situations in which you said no to requests outside of work? What prompted you to say no? What did it feel like to say no?" That's when most people are forced to make choices -- when their backs are against a wall.

An even bigger challenge, of course, involves helping people to face choices that require more than just saying no -- choices that require taking really disruptive steps. Here's a classic example, one that I see all the time: People have a boss who tells them, "You need to spend more time at home. You need to get away from the office." Yet everything else that the boss communicates sends a different message: "Don't you dare act on that statement." These people are in a situation that requires a choice. If they choose to stay with their company, then they have to come to terms with what the boss is demanding -- no matter what the boss may be saying. If they choose to act on their priorities, to live a life that's more in sync with their values, then they may have to leave that company. Of course, most people never make either choice. They suffer in silence, they hope that change is just around the corner -- but change never arrives.

Sometimes you work through one of these kinds of problems and find out that it's a paper tiger. But sometimes you discover that the tiger has real teeth. One of my clients was a new manager at a Silicon Valley company. He felt ineffective there, and he was very unhappy. This was a company where people worked incredibly long hours, and on nights and weekends -- not necessarily because they had to, but because there was a strong "face time" culture. The measure of your value and commitment at this company was how long you stayed at the office. He had the very sane idea that the best managers are those who organize work so that people don't have to be at the office on nights and weekends. Of course, he was right -- but at that company, his being right didn't matter. Now, there are plenty of other companies in Silicon Valley with cultures that value output rather than input -- that care more about what you do than about how long you work. He chose to leave and to join a company that welcomed his way of working. These are not easy choices to make, especially for people who haven't worked in very many companies or who have worked in only one genre of company -- such as the Silicon Valley startup.

Small Steps, Big Change

You can make a big change without making an immediate, radical break with the past. There's nothing harder than changing established behaviors. So don't try to change everything at once. Focus on one or two significant behaviors, make progress, and move on.

One woman whom I worked with had gotten caught up in a cycle of compulsive spending. She would put herself in high-stress situations for one reason: to make a lot of money. Then, to relieve the pressure and to treat herself (she didn't have a life outside the office; she was working all the time), she would go out and spend money -- on clothes, trips, stuff for her house, stuff for her parents.

So I told her, "You're a smart person, you can see the cycle, you know how it works. If you decide to stop it, you're going to go through withdrawal. You're going to be changing behaviors that have become ingrained and reinforced. And that's not easy to do. So let's look at your choices. How much is on the debit side of your balance sheet, and how much do you have to bring in? Could you slow down your payments? If you did that, you could back off on your work right now, but then you wouldn't have any more cash to blow. Instead of coming to a complete halt, start throttling back."

That approach makes sense. Break change into small steps. Then act on the steps that are both meaningful and doable.

Eric Ransdell (ransdell@well.com), a Fast Company contributing editor, is based in San Francisco. You can contact Elizabeth Gibson-Meier by email (egibson-meier@rhrinternational.com).