The Medium is the Massage

Day Five, 9:05 a.m.

Equine Experience. I take a short, dusty van ride with three other guests to Miraval's Purple Sage Ranch. On the agenda: a little horse grooming and a little "lunging," which involves leading horses around a ring. Facing the fear, stress, and confusion that horses bring out in us should, the theory goes, help us take on similar problems that arise in our relationships with people. "You can't hustle a horse," warns Wyatt, our teacher. "Anyone who brought carrots or sugar, forget about it. Horses need you to pay attention."

My horse, Ali, is a dark-brown mare with a knack for becoming flatulent whenever my head is near her hips. The first step toward bonding with the horse, I'm told, is to remove the manure from her hooves. I'm supposed to approach my horse from about 10 feet away and then to lift her legs -- but she doesn't want her legs lifted. Wyatt says that Ali's hesitation is a response to my own hesitation. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how afraid are you?" Wyatt asks. "Are you embarrassed?" In fact, I'm mostly just annoyed: I decided to participate in the Equine Experience because it is one of Miraval's most popular activities. But it's turned out to be just the sort of New Age schlock that I've been wary of all along. How could a cowboy be so cheesy?

3:20 p.m. Ayurvedic Shirodhara.

I lie on my back while Shelley, my attendant, slowly drips hot, sweet almond oil onto my forehead. The oil then slides back into my hair. This East Indian treatment is meant to open my "third eye." Shelley tells me that for some people, the experience results in the sudden discovery of solutions to problems. For me, it results in very oily hair. While this development isn't quite as exciting as attaining true enlightenment, it's not bad. The more oil I absorb, Shelley explains, the more nutrients I will regain. After the treatment, I proceed to a sauna to baste.

4 p.m. Detoxifying Seaweed Body Mask.

This eight-step, 80-minute treatment includes being dry-brushed (an experience not unlike the brushing that I gave my horse earlier in the day), "anointed" with scented oils, covered in seaweed, and wrapped in plastic sheets and blankets. Then I shower, get rewrapped, shower again, and get moisturized. To release the toxins in my body, my attendant, Donna, tells me, "You're supposed to sweat and relax." I assure her that I'm doing copious amounts of both. Because I am coated in seaweed (which smells no better in a spa than it does on a beach) and wrapped mummy-style, Donna generously offers to scratch my nose, if necessary. "It's in my job description," she jokes.

Day Six, 10 a.m. Acupuncture.

I'm no more fond of needles than most people are. But the needles that my acupuncturist, Linda, is using are really, really thin. They pinch a little going in, but they don't hurt: Linda inserts two in each ankle, one in each wrist, and one in my forehead. I almost fall asleep. After the needles are removed, I feel even drowsier, and I go back to my room to lie down for a while. Such drowsiness is common, Linda says: It results from a sudden energy shift in the body.

8:30 p.m. Drumming Under the Stars.

This activity -- my last at Miraval -- might better have been called Drumming Under Fluorescent Lights. The weather is too cold (in the 40s) to drum outside, says Gordon, our friendly, shaggy-haired teacher. If we ventured outside, he explains, "we might skin our hands longitudinally." As intriguing as that may sound, our group decides to pound out Afro-Cuban rhythms indoors. I'm sure that we sound horrible, but by the end of the session, we've all been swept up in the wave of Gordon's enthusiasm.

Coordinates: $300 to $1,050 a night for a single-occupancy room. The Miraval Life in Balance Resort, 800-232-3969, www.miravalresort.com

Day Seven, 10 a.m. The Flight Home.

Seven days in Spa Land have left me exhausted. I packed my schedule with more activities than was wise -- so I occasionally found myself rushing to treatments that were meant to be relaxing. Which means that I haven't reflected on my experience until now. So back to those big-picture questions:

Are the spas overrun by rich, high-strung women? No. Certainly, you'll see a few of them, but people of all types go to spas. And if you look carefully, you'll even find some rich, high-strung men. (I'm told that 27% of all spa guests are male.)

Exactly how long does the afterglow last? That depends. For me, the benefits of most treatments lasted about as long as the treatments themselves. I don't feel like a different person now -- and, alas, I don't look like one either. But I was able to sample from a large buffet of choices, and a few treatments, such as acupuncture, seemed beneficial enough to investigate further.

Do you have to listen constantly to New Age music? Yes. So don't fight it -- you might even start liking it.