The Medium is the Massage

5:10 p.m. Genetic Body Typing.

Whenever you find yourself floating too high on Spa Land's ether, there's nothing like being pinched by a pair of calipers to bring you back to terra firma -- which is exactly what happens during my body-typing session. This exercise is based on the principle that all of us fall into one of four body types: adrenal, thyroidal, pituitary, and the unfortunately named gonadal. Knowing our correct body type can help us do a better job of eating and exercising properly.

Between prods and pokes, Marium, my body typist, pries into my personal life: How do I act at parties? What subjects did I like in high school? My answers help her to determine my body type, which turns out to be a mix: I have a gonadal forehead, a thyroidal nose, and adrenal shoulders. But I'm primarily pituitary -- which means that I should avoid flour, sugar, dairy products, fat, caffeine, and citrus. So what's left? Protein and vegetables mainly, to be supplemented by flax seeds and kelp tablets.

Day Three, 12:45 p.m.

Shaman Card Reading. Gwen, Green Valley's Native American healer, reads my tarot cards. In this exercise, I ask questions, and Gwen arrives at answers by interpreting the cards -- which reveal that my brother will be married within the next year (this will surprise my family, since my brother is only 14 years old) and that my editor (represented by the devil) wants to keep me "in bondage."

But the truth is, tarot really isn't working for me. The entire exchange seems weirdly formal, almost businesslike. Maybe that's because any spa activity that doesn't involve either removing every article of my clothing or having my mind read feels downright impersonal.

3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Class Time.

Determined to take advantage of every single minute, I cruise through three classes in a row. The first two, led by the perky yet not annoying Bonnie, are "Absolutely Abdominals" and "Cardio Boxing." The third, "Qi Gong" (led by Larae), is a form of breathing and stretching that's similar to Tai Chi.

No more than three participants attend any of these classes -- which is both great (you get lots of personal attention) and exhausting (there's no time to get a breather while the instructor focuses on someone else). Cardio Boxing is the most fun of the three: Partway through the class, I find myself lunging and grunting at a fellow guest, a former fifth-grade teacher from North Dakota who's roughly my mother's age.

Day Four, 10:15 a.m. Crushed-Pearl Body Rub.

According to Green Valley's literature, after this treatment I should "arise feeling like a star full of sparkling light." I wouldn't go that far, but I feel pretty blissful, lying here on my stomach and getting slathered with crushed pearls. For the grand finale, my attendant, Kim, rubs lotion on my skin and waves a fan made of feathers over me. "You should feel like an Egyptian queen now," she says. Not to mention a star full of sparkling light.

Coordinates: $395 to $450 a night for a single-occupancy room. Green Valley Spa, 800-237-1068

7:45 p.m. En Route to Miraval.

I leave St. George feeling healthier, if not quite aglow, and then fly to Tucson. I'm met at the airport by Don, who drives me north to Miraval, a three-year-old resort spa that offers a wide range of options, including cooking classes and "challenge activities," such as rock climbing. Miraval has a friendly atmosphere, although the dining room is more restaurant-like than Green Valley's was, so getting to know other guests is a matter of choice rather than a requirement.

Miraval's grounds -- landscaped with waterfalls and footbridges and 83 palm trees imported from California -- are expansive and swanky. In the main building, meanwhile, there are huge sitting rooms featuring grand fireplaces, along with a big brown-and-white- spotted couch that resembles the hide of a heifer.

9:20 p.m. Hot-Stone Massage.

An hour after my arrival, I find myself once again prostrate and nearly naked. This time, I'm enjoying my first full-body massage ever. The hot-stone massage originates from a traditional Native American healing art. My massage therapist, Tracey, sets oiled basalt stones on the tension points of my body. I have no idea whether these stones really possess the healing powers that are attributed to them, but their heat on my skin feels pretty damn good.