No Work, No Life, No Kidding!

Margaret ruthlessly prioritizes when he's on the road -- and lets go of the less-than-urgent tasks. Housecleaning? That can wait until Tim gets back. Dinner? Take-out and frozen foods work fine. Shopping? "We've found some very good catalogs," she says.

Margaret no longer "wastes energy" getting angry when Tim leaves on a business trip. Instead, she's learned to downsize her expectations of what she can really accomplish. "I'm a pretty capable person," she says. "But when Tim is away for a week, it's like trying to run a marathon in leg irons. I can't. And the smartest thing I can do is admit that I can't."

Lesson #9: Ask yourself if you really need to make that meeting.

At least once a week, Margaret was 30 minutes late picking up her daughter from day care. The reason? Late-afternoon meetings. One day, when she was even later than usual, a day-care worker confronted her. "She reminded me that she, too, has a family to get home to," says Margaret, still uncomfortable with the memory. "And I had to agree."

Since then, Margaret has cut back on late-day meetings. When someone schedules a meeting for 4:30, she'll ask if it can be pushed up. Most of the time, the answer is yes. If the time can't be changed, she'll ask a coworker to take notes for her. "I don't think anyone resents it," she says, "because they know I'll reciprocate."

Lesson #10: Make your work-at-home visible.

When Margaret comes in to the office late and leaves early, she often compensates by working at home after the children are asleep. But until recently, no one knew. Then she happened to send her team an email at 2 AM The next day, everyone told her she was working too hard. "It's a technical field, so sometimes you think that the only way you're measured is by technical skills," she says. "But that isn't the case. You have to manage appearances."

Now she looks for a reason to send late-night email and voice mail, which are time-dated. "If people see you leaving early and they think you're slacking," she says, "you've got to let them know that you're working your tail off -- you're just doing it at a different time."

Lesson #11: Talk your boss's language.

Recently, Margaret's boss scheduled a business trip for her on the day of her daughter's seventh birthday, with a return flight arriving at 8 PM the same day. In the past, she might have gone along and tried to "sneak back" early. This time, she spoke up in terms he could appreciate -- and convinced him to change the date. She told him she'd made a "commitment" to attend her daughter's party -- adding that she'd be happy to make the trip a day earlier, which would work just as well for the customer. "You have to speak your boss's vocabulary," she says. "Saying you have a 'commitment' sounds more important than just saying you have a party."

Besides, managers don't want to hear you whine about your problems -- they want solutions. Adds Margaret, "You don't want to go in there saying, 'I can't.' It's always better to say, 'Here's an alternative.'"

Coordinates: Tim and Margaret Kelliher, kelliher@netheaven.com

Pamela Kruger (kruger@is4.nyu.edu) writes on business and women's issues for many publications, including "Working Woman" and "Redbook."