No Work, No Life, No Kidding!

The Executive and the Househusband

The Team: Mark Beckwith, 38, CPA-turned-househusband; Karen Beckwith, 36, vice president of finance at Ceridian Corp., a Bloomington, Minnesota-based human resources outsourcing firm.

Their Children: Janie, 9; and Charlie, 4.

The Challenge To find a solution to the work-versus-family dilemma, because "balancing" the two doesn't cut it.

Lesson #5: Assign roles based on earning power, not on gender.

For Karen and Mark Beckwith, there was never any question that one of them would stay home with the kids. But when Karen was pregnant with their first child, they needed both of their incomes. They agreed that Mark would ask for a six-month paternity leave.

Mark earned about $50,000 a year as a tax manager for a computer-leasing firm. Karen was earning about twice as much as the controller for Deluxe Corp., the check-printing company. "It seemed natural that I'd be the one to take paternity leave," he recalls. "Her career was taking off, whereas it was always hard for me to get fired up about accounting."

But when he asked for paternity leave, his boss just laughed. "He thought I was kidding," Mark recalls. "When I told him I wasn't, he just said no." So Mark went home and worked the phones. By the end of the weekend, he'd rounded up a few clients. Then he told his wife he wanted to quit his job and work from home as a consultant. She agreed. "It just made sense," she says. A few years later, when Karen landed an executive position at Ceridian, Mark closed his home office.

Lesson #6: If your ego is turning to jelly, remind yourself just why you've become a stay-at home parent.

For Mark, becoming a full-time parent has required some big-time adjustments. First, there's his pride. Until recently, he wouldn't even acknowledge that he's a housedad. If someone asked where he worked, he'd say he was a self-employed CPA. "I didn't want people to think I was a freeloader," he recalls.

Mark sometimes thinks about going back to work, especially when he meets with former colleagues. Recently, he had lunch with a friend whom he first met when they were young CPAs at Deloitte & Touche, the Big Six accounting firm. Now his friend is a partner. "I had this twinge of jealousy," he says. "That could have been me."

When doubts surface, Mark reminds himself what life would really be like if he were still in an office. "I know some parents who have to do their grocery shopping at 10 PM -- with their kids -- because there's no time during the day," he says. "When I see something like that, all the doubt vaporizes."

Lesson #7: Check with your spouse -- and yourself -- to see if the trade-offs are still working.

Juggling work and family responsibilities always involves compromises. The challenge is to make the kinds of compromises that both of you can live with. Even a rock-solid marriage will crumble if one of you resents the sacrifices.

The Beckwiths talk periodically to see if either one of them wants to change their arrangement. "It's like any decision in business," says Karen. "Just because you made the choice once doesn't mean you have to live with it forever. Mark is making a tremendous sacrifice for the sake of our family. I don't want him to wake up 20 years from now, when the kids are gone, and feel all this regret and blame."

For now, though, Mark says he has no intention of changing his occupation. "I'm always making up excuses not to go back to work," he says with a laugh.

As for Karen, she wishes she could spend more time with the family. But she loves her work and feels fortunate that her husband is willing to at stay home. "At a senior-management level, it would be very difficult to not have one spouse at home," she says. "Besides, knowing that our children are being cared for by their father, and not a stranger, gives me peace of mind."

Coordinates: Karen and Mark Beckwith, beck0271@email.umn.edu

Road Warriors

The Team: Margaret Kelliher, 33, a computer scientist at General Electric Corporate Research and Development in Schenectady, New York; and Tim Kelliher, 33, also a computer scientist at GE's R&D division.

Their Children: Kate, 7; and Colleen, 4.

The Challenge To keep home and work lives on cruise control when one spouse is traveling.

Lesson #8: Focus on the most important tasks, and let the other stuff slide.

Tim grabs most opportunities for travel because he wants the visibility -- he hopes to become a program manager, where he'd oversee roughly 10 to 30 computer scientists. When he's away, it's all up to Margaret.