Frank is used to getting his way. Even after Arlene has refused three times, he won't take no for an answer. How can she muzzle Frank without getting human resources involved?
Langelan: Be very matter of fact about it, and don't get angry. Focus on the behavior -- tell him you like him as a colleague but he needs to respect what you say. And no means no. It's only when you're pushed and pushed that you need to go to a full-scale, "I'm filing" confrontation.
Ricardo and Sara meet for dinner on a Friday night -- and spend the entire weekend together at Sara's place. Now it's Monday morning. Should they keep their new relationship a secret?
Langelan: Trying to keep it a secret is one of the stupidest things you can do because people will find out. Couples think they're being discreet, but they're viewed as dishonest. So be open about your relationships. And it's a good idea to bring it up with your supervisor. You're not asking for permission -- just casually say, "By the way, Ricardo and I are dating."
Charlie and Sally, who work as computer-systems troubleshooters in Boston, travel to Atlanta. After a late night dip in the hotel swimming pool, they end up in bed together. They continue the affair when they return to Boston. Charlie, however, decides to break things off with Sally. How can he continue working with her?
Erdman: This is a sticky situation. I know. I've been there. Following a breakup I once found myself showing up for work each day a few calculated minutes after the morning rush. I didn't want to end up in an elevator with her: "Good morning. Sorry for dumping you. Could you hit 14 for me? Thanks."
What you have to do is face this problem and deal with it. Your overall approach should not be one of avoidance.
Langelan: Breaking up is one of the downsides of having a dating relationship with someone from work. Because you can't not see him. The first step is to avoid getting into a drawn-out, three-month breakup. Be quick about breaking it off.
It's typical to have a lot of anger. Lay out some specific ground rules on how to deal with each other at work. Talk about the occasions when you have to be together, and figure out what you're going to do from now on. You should also agree that there will be no verbal back-stabbing. Tell people, "Charlie and I have broken up, and we really don't want to talk about it." And you shouldn't talk about it. Because if either one of you starts confiding in coworkers the entire organization can be affected. People start choosing sides, you get polarization and productivity goes into the cellar.
Andy Erdman, formerly a columnist at "Fortune" magazine, is pursuing a PhD in theater and film studies at the City University of New York. He moonlights as eMale, answering questions about men on "Women's Wire," an online magazine for professional women.
Coordinates: Andy Erdman, http://www.women.com ; click on "Question Authorities"
Martha Langelan is the author of "Back Off: How to Confront and Stop Sexual Harassment and Harassers" (Simon & Schuster, 1993) and president of Langelan & Associates, a Washington, D.C. firm that consults to corporations on sexual harassment and conflict intervention.
Coordinates: Martha Langelan,marty.langelan@cpcug.org
Deborah Tannen, PhD, is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and the author of "That's Not What I Meant!" and "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation." For her latest book, "Talking from 9 to 5" (William Morrow and Co., 1994), Tannen went behind the scenes at dozens of corporations to see how men and women interact. She has credibility: she met her husband at a conference.
Stephanie Williams (swilli@self.com) is an assistant editor at "Self" magazine, where she writes about health and psychology.
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