Here in Los Angeles, the city rang in the New Year by closing down all of its public access TV studios, signaling an end to homegrown, grass roots production of eclectic and often monumentally weird alternative programming.Cities in Michigan, Illinois and Indiana are also shutting down facilities, and if the amount of locally-based “save public access” postings on the Internet are any indication, the trend is continuing.
Of course, there was never any money in it, and now that the economy is in the crapper something that costs and has no return is just begging for the chopping block.Not to mention, some argue, the notion of the individual cranking out outsider material has long since been co-opted by YouTube.But YouTube is largely the outlet for quick hits, easily digestible visual jokes, rants or parakeets dancing to the Village People.And while many out there may wonder why it is worth mourning a TV channel that usually features seventy-three different talk shows each featuring the same potted plant, I think one would be remiss, especially in a career-based column, if one did not compose a short eulogy for a format that contained a heaping helping of what it takes to get ahead in this world: passion.
People who create public access programming do it because they must.They are overtaken by a muse that will not permit them to do otherwise.How many of us can claim that on a good day?So, no one is hiring in his or her particular field of interest?No matter: they will create the need in the marketplace with their very existence.Granted, it is a small, even perhaps microscopic marketplace, but if I knew that each of the candidates I interview for my search firm, whether or not I could place them in the job of their choice, would still be determined to shoot their own TV show, entitled, perhaps “The Executive Washroom Variety Show” (and you better believe it would actually take place in a bathroom) I might be inclined to give them a touch more respect than I normally would, just for their sheer chutzpah.
The entire idea of getting out there and doing it is intrinsic to our cultural landscape.So who are we to govern what might constitute the getting out there, or the doing it for that matter?There are (sorry, were) several cable access programs in the Los Angeles area that have been running on a nearly weekly basis for over twenty years.Compare that with the amount of turnover in the private sector, and you get some idea of the dedication inherent in these resolutely individualistic souls.Webster’s defines “career” as “consecutive progressive achievement.”So, in one interpretation of that phrase a person works their way up through the chain of command to be a CEO; in the other, someone spends twenty years interviewing such luminaries as the stars of a local production of “Jesus Christ, Superstar” or looking directly into the camera and ranting about everything from alien probes to, well, more alien probes.
But who is to say whose pursuit is the more pointless?What does the work/life balance movement teach us if not how nothing will truly fall apart if we take a little breather and leave a task undone in the process.In other words, in the whole vast scheme of things, we with our “jobs” and our “salaries” (we who can certainly count ourselves lucky to have them in this economy, no doubt) may, in the long run, not be having very much of an impact on the landscape or the fabric or the zeitgeist or whatever you want to call it.Can I honestly say that simply by virtue of my so-called station in life that I am inherently contributing more to the continuance of civilization than an overweight woman in a spangly tutu dancing in front of blue screen projections of herself dancing in a spangly tutu?(Such a program really does (sorry, did) exist here on cable access.)I cannot say with any accuracy what my contribution to the world has been, but I sure as hell know I’m not dancing while I’m doing it.
And before we get on our high horse about how fringe or self-indulgent some of these programs may be, it should be noted that several other, more serious informational shows produced in local markets around the country were often part of a syndication network, allowing them to be broadcast in a number of other cities in the U.S.And the alternative news outlet The Full Disclosure Network is the only public access program to have won an Emmy, It has been up and running since 1992.That, by any estimation, is a career.
So, let us hard-working Americans raise a toast to another set of hard-working Americans: the originators of unique (and, yes, sometimes freakishly disturbing, but so what?) television at the recently-departed and still-remaining community access television stations across the country.Just because these people never got paid for it doesn’t mean they didn’t have jobs to do.
As an executive recruiter, it's my job to examine trends, gauge the needs of the marketplace and get my clients into jobs that will make the best use of their skill sets.When the process is firing on all cylinders, it is extremely rewarding.The client is happy, and so their work flourishes.The hiring entity is happy because when someone flourishes under their roof, their productivity is likely to increase. And I’m happy because my own hard work has yielded a satisfying payoff: my gifts have been used to help someone else’s gifts get their due.
Pop culture often affords us a glimpse into the emotional landscape of the general populous, and while it may not be a predictor of business world trends, it does clue us into the mindset of both its creators and those who flock to lose themselves in the message of the medium.As such, the protagonists of hit movies, usually conflicted about where they are in life (conflict makes for a good story after all) cannot help but reflect our own inner workings, and, to my mind, are worthy of a little career counseling in their own right.To that end, I consulted The Internet Movie Database (IMDb) for a list of 2008’s top ten highest-grossing films.Below is a headhunter’s assessment of these movie heroes and their careers.
1. THE DARK KNIGHT
PROTAGONIST: Bruce Wayne
JOB SKILLS: Unorthodox crime-fighting prowess and the underlying belief that he is as spiritually ugly and tormented as the heinous arch-enemies with whom he battles, thereby making his quest for so-called justice an ultimately hollow one.
IDEAL JOB: Lobbyist
2. IRON MAN
PROTAGONIST: Tony Stark
JOB SKILLS: Immense wealth has left him chemically dependent and dissolute, but when driven by the passion to carry out his own ideology, his wizardry with the design of technological weaponry makes him unparalleled in the field of modern machine warfare.
IDEAL JOB: Inner-city high school teacher
3. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
PROTAGONIST: Indiana Jones
JOB SKILLS: Adventure and the study of history.An almost insatiable need to track down legendary artifacts. Ability to withstand physical punishment.Tentative grasp on the importance of having a son and what that means to his work/life balance stability.
IDEAL JOB: Reality TV producer
4. HANCOCK
PROTAGONIST:John Hancock
JOB SKILLS: His interesting career trajectory finds him drunken and embittered after his efforts as a superhero go unappreciated by the citizenry, who call for his retirement.As a result, Hancock submits to the will of a public relations giant who has a plan to rebuff his image and get people back on his side.Hancock’s willingness to reinvent himself in the face of public hatred is thus the key to his career flexibility.
IDEAL JOB:Meter Maid
5. WALL-E
PROTAGONIST: Wall-E
JOB SKILLS: Cleaning up the billions of pounds of trash left behind by a thoughtless multinational and being a non-sentient being.
IDEAL JOB: White House Press Secretary
6. KUNG FU PANDA
PROTAGONIST: Po the Panda.
JOB SKILLS:Very few at the outset.He is lazy, and does not want to take over his father’s business, fueled instead by hopes of being a Kung Fu master.However, when his fantasy, by chance, becomes a reality, he finds he is put to the test and must somehow accomplish that which he had once only dreamed about.
IDEAL JOB: Target Team Member
7. MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA
PROTAGONIST(S): Alex the Lion, Marty the Zebra, Melman the Giraffe and Gloria the Hippo
JOB SKILLS: Severely limited by spending so much time in captivity. They find that when plunked down in the wilds of Africa, they seem to lack the proper skill sets needed to hold their own.At first glance, this lack of any measurable expertise in what they do certainly leaves them with limited employment marketability.
IDEAL JOB:Head of General Motors
8. HORTON HEARS A WHO!
PROTAGONIST: Horton the Elephant
JOB SKILLS: Persistence, protectiveness, resourcefulness.Horton has considerable experience in a wide variety of sought-after traits, stemming from his efforts to keep the microscopic community of Whoville from being destroyed by his peers, all of whom do not believe such a place exists.His sweetness, unabashed belief in the goodness of all living things, willingness to do what is right, loyalty and faithfulness would be an asset to any organization fortunate enough to hire him.
IDEAL JOB: No current openings for someone with these assets
9. SEX AND THE CITY
PROTAGONISTS: Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda
JOB SKILLS: Sex, the city, shopping, worrying about marriage and relationships.
IDEAL JOB: Presidential running mate
10. MAMMA MIA!
PROTAGONIST: Sophie Sheridan
JOB SKILLS: An enterprising young woman who has the presence of mind to try and root out the identity of her biological father by inviting the three men who could be that man to her wedding without informing her mother.She is a risk-taker who is unafraid to face potentially disastrous consequences in the dogged certainty that the gamble will pay off for the best.
IDEAL JOB:Mortgage banker
Who can say what the top ten highest-grossing films of 2009 will be, and how they might be reflective of the zeitgeist?We do know, at least, that there will likely not be another movie containing a bunch of songs by Abba.As far as I’m concerned, that means things can only get better.
Music hath charms, so English poet William Congreve said it in 1697, to soothe the savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.I don’t know about you, but given the recent official announcement of a recession (duh), my nerves have been rather like a knotted oak lately, so they could certainly use a good healthy bending.And let’s put things in perspective: when Congreve wrote those famous words, his own country had just reached an all-time high budget deficit of 16 million pounds, Scotland was in the middle of a crippling famine and new laws had to be enacted just to figure out how to finance the needs of the Royal Family.Good sir William took the time to remind the citizenry of his day how to calm themselves with a little therapeutic music, and lo and behold they got through the bad times eventually.Now, I lay no claim to being a bona fide poet, nor have I fashioned a quotation that will be remembered for centuries to come (unless you count “no Hannah Montana until you finish your homework,” which, something tells me, is not original to me), but the least I could do is try and help us sing our way through the challenging events of our day.Feel free to join in.
SONG #1
(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF “WINTER WONDERLAND”)
New home sales, they are dropping
No one feels like going shopping
It is awful, it’s true
But what can you do
Be happy that you’re breathing and alive
No one has any money
It is not even funny
Your friends are all broke
But life is a joke
Be happy that you’re breathing and alive
In a year the worst will sure be over
We’ll be back and strong and on our feet
Unless we’re second place by then to China
But being number two is just as sweet
Suck it up, we will manage
We’ll repair all the damage
We’re just in a slump
It’s just a speed bump
Be happy that you’re breathing and alive
SONG #2
(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF “JINGLE BELLS”)
Dashing through the mall
On a budget that is tight
Santa will not be
So generous tonight
Maxed out all my cards
On food and rent, I’m poor
No one’s getting presents that are fancy anymore
Oh
Single bills, single bills, that is all I’ve got
It’s no fun to shop these days when finances are shot
Oh
Single bills, single bills, I am spread so thin
Everything you get this year is from the bargain bin!
SONG #3
(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF “LET IT SNOW”)
Oh the markets are truly frightful
I’m inclined to feel quite spiteful
But my therapist puts it so:
Let it go, let it go, let it go
The economy sure ain’t hopping
And my ventricles are popping
I want to blame someone though
Let it go, let it go, let it go
When I finally get a job
I’ll be drowning in bills and debt
I am trying hard not to sob
But how crappy can this thing get?
Unemployment is slowly rising
Everyone is now downsizing
But denial will work I know
Let it go, let it go, let it go!
*At this point, I was going to compose a holiday carol called “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas (Owing To A Lack of Disposable Income),” but it just cut too close.Instead, I decided to close with this number:
SONG #4
(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF “JINGLE BELL ROCK”)
Help us out, help us out, help us Barack
We’re in a sling, so please do your thing
You are the new guy and that means so much
Do you mind being our little crutch?
Soon you’ll be, soon you’ll be in office, Barack
It’s up to you, we haven’t a clue
You have inherited quite a big mess
We expect the best!
We’re in fright time, it’s the right time
To tell us it’s okay
Sure you’re human, but things are loomin’
We need a miracle, we need it today
Hurry up, Prez-Elect, get on the stick
Solve all our problems now
We like to abdicate responsibility
So, please help us out
Won’t you help us out
Please just help us Barack!
You may want to consider getting some friends together and caroling these updated versions of the classics to your neighbors.Hey, if they like them enough, they may invite you in for some eggnog and gingerbread cookies; and goodness knows that may be the only decent meal you get until the next paycheck comes in.
If you have wandered into any of the nation’s leading retail establishments lately, you have experienced first hand the lackluster, even fearful approach to consumer spending that has left your neighborhood Target or Circuit City resembling the decimated wasteland that is left after the demons in the Ark kill everyone but Indy and Marion in the first Raiders. Living in California, I am used to making the drive to Joshua Tree when I need to take in a vast expanse of desert nothingness. Now, I can get the same perspective by standing in a Home Depot. I haven’t seen a long-standing American activity looking so moribund since the last season of According to Jim.
It is sobering, to say the least. Which is why it might be time for the government to stop gnashing their teeth about which multinational bank should get the bailout package, and simply throw the cash at the retail sector. With a little capital, our nation’s stores could finance new and exciting ways to get people back in the holiday shopping groove. Incentives so big, a consumer cannot help but come through the doors ready to buy and get our economy going again. How about a promotion whereby everyone who spends 250 dollars on merchandise gets a job in the store itself? Why, at today’s competitive minimum wage, you can make that 250 dollars back in eight or nine months! And, if they are going to survive, America’s chain stores cannot be afraid to court controversy as long as it gets the bodies through the doors. To that end, why not a free gay marriage voucher to the first five hundred same-sex couples who purchase a plasma screen TV? (Offer not valid in all states.) Or, since every toy store knows how crazy and even violent things can get when parents storm in to vie for the last remaining X-Boxes or Tickle-Me Elmo’s, there is every case to be made for an organized, mixed martial arts event right in the store—let moms and dads throw down with whoever is claiming that they saw the toy first, and charge the rest of the bloodthirsty shopping crowd a fee to watch the carnage ringside. With a little backing and a lot of ingenuity, retailers can make their customers only too happy to part with their cash. But they need a government bailout to finance these perks, and they aren’t going to get it as long as the emphasis keeps getting put on sniveling, whiny little wimps like CitiCorp.
Admittedly, this thinking is counter-intuitive, but when you are in a crisis, it is usually because the old ways are no longer working. In fact, there is something to be said for selecting a traditionally under-represented demographic of society, and giving them the $700 billion bailout. Why not musicians? Easily some of the most deadbeat and irresponsible members of society, given a sudden influx of several hundred thousand dollars apiece, these layabouts would pump untold profits into many of the most crucial elements of our economic system: the pizza industry, the beer industry, the used VW bus industry, the finally chipping in for their portion of the girlfriend’s rent industry and the not-to-be minimized big hair industry.
In fact, while we’re being glib and hypothetical, let’s take it even further. It’s clear that something in the way we operate is broken, and possibly now beyond repair. So, let us all, we the citizens of earth, have the bailout. A fifty trillion dollar fail-out, if you will, that dissolves all the banks and corporations, leaving each of us, the day laborer to the CEO, just enough per person to have a room at the YMCA and enough Top Ramen to last a year or so. Forced to live a more bare bones lifestyle, we will eventually expand outward from the cities in search of more effective subsistence living. In order to adapt, we will have to work together to create community-based collectives, which will prove increasingly easy to do since, owing to the lack of multinationals, global expansion has decreased to the point of not only preserving the last of the cultivatable land but creating more of it—after all, global warming is no longer an issue and the environment is thriving. (Oh, this is because we no longer have nuclear power plants or cars or computers or automation since we can no longer afford them. In fact, we can’t afford to do anything beyond our immediate needs, except this time we finally admitted it!) Essentially, we will have gone backwards, and our new pared-down lifestyles will make a whole new economy emerge, one based on trading goods and services, the return of small family-owned concerns and a self-supporting, village-centered social interaction that places maximum value on education and nurturing. Okay, so I haven’t worked out how we deal with indoor plumbing, electricity or trying not to have to hunt wild Bison every night for dinner, but when you’re planning a Utopian society, you tend to accentuate the positive.
In the end, it’s probably just that every one of us can’t help but think about being bailed out ourselves these days, and it’s hard not to speculate about what we might do if the megabucks ended up in our coffers instead of in those of the people who have already been so irresponsible with their own. In that light, the concept of starting from scratch and seeing if we can get back to something better has a certain ring to it. But, knowing us, we’d screw it up somehow. Maybe the best idea of all is to give the bailout money to the Amish. Largely off the grid already, they are perhaps the most talented and resourceful people living in the United States today. And with the proper funding, they could start teaching the rest of us how to kick it old school.
Anyone who has ever had a job (which I assume includes most everybody reading this, unless my cousin Rudy—who has been spending the past eight years thinking that reciting his poetry in coffeehouses to an audience of nine people, six of whom still wear berets on a regular basis, is going to somehow manifest into a career—has taken to perusing business publications) knows this whole “brand new President of the United States” thing is no big deal. The workforce is already well trained in making the necessary adjustments to having a new person at the top of the food chain. We’ve all worked for organizations that distributed that memo. You know, the one urging us to join them in welcoming the latest head honcho, around whom, it is none too subtly suggested, we would be advised to grit our teeth and hold our tongues. An implied request made all the more galling by the fact that said memo usually includes an exhaustive and in-your-face list of the accomplishments the incoming big shot amassed prior to when he or she came to lord themselves over we the unwashed. Or, maybe the old CEO was simply led away in handcuffs three days ago, and the replacement, any replacement, will have to do for now.
In any case, the White House isn’t the only place where a shift in power impacts our lives. In fact, in the workplace, turnover usually comes a lot more fast and furious than once every four to eight years. The difference being that while our elected officials are presumably hired to work for us (if by “us” you mean powerful lobbyists, anyway), it is us who have to work for the hired officials to whom we report. Therefore, it is in our best interest to discover exactly who this person above us really is, and how best to deal with what they are going to mean to our job. The sooner one develops strategies for testing the mettle of one’s new boss, the sooner one can hone one’s competitive edge.
Ideally, your informal compiling of assessments will be seamlessly integrated into the workweek, and your statistical findings known only to you. For example, start by gauging your new CEO’s levels of tolerance and compassion by showing up late for work in tiny, negligible increments (two minutes late on Monday, six minutes late on Friday and so on) over the course of a couple of weeks, then sit back and wait for which degree of tardiness finally brings them to a tipping point. Granted, this may upset a certain level of punctuality and professionalism on which you have always prided yourself, but these transgressions will be in aid of your discovering valuable information, and after the fact-finding subterfuge is over, you can easily return to your previous level of conscientious practice. Of course, if after being a mere 30 seconds late on the first day you are immediately threatened with either a) dismissal, b) a new job in the company’s Malaysian hoodie-manufacturing sweatshop or c) serious bodily injury, discontinue this strategy.
Another tactic for feeling out how things are going to be under a new regime is to be the contrarian. Let the others suck up, fawning over every suggestion and fresh perspective the so-called new blood wants to inject into the dynamic. Your task is to object, in the strongest possible terms, to all the ideas that hit the table. Just make sure your reasoning is sound. After all, if the topic under consideration is whether or not to limit the number of inter-office e-mails, and you say it’s a bad idea because you’ll miss being able to forward those links to YouTube videos of skateboarding cockatiels, you might be looked at askance. Better to take the positive, if utterly insincere, viewpoint that limiting office e-mails will only cut down on the possibility of some really great idea that could potentially skyrocket the company to heretofore unknown profit margins, thus securing the CEO’s name in history alongside Bill Gates, Oprah and Genghis Khan. It’s simply a matter of how you make the case. We’ve all seen those movies where the powerful, hard-nosed executive ends up taking a shine to the one person in their organization who refuses to be a yes man. And if it works in the movies, it is bound to work in real life, right?
Now, this is not to say you shouldn’t strive to impress the person to whom you’ll be reporting for the foreseeable future. I recommend picking some innocuous aspect of the workplace, building it up into something on which the fiscal health and smooth operations of the organization absolutely depends, and then organizing a task force to streamline and/or eliminate it. (Regulating the use of office supplies, keeping a tight rein on copier usage and limiting the amount of Dilbert cartoons that can be push-pinned to a cubicle wall are all excellent non-issues.) Play this one right, and the new person, too harried by trying to come up to speed on their myriad duties, will be so impressed with your initiative that you may well be in line for the corner office when they are led away in handcuffs a few months down the road.
Perhaps the most crucial touchstone is being able to pinpoint whether or not your new boss has a highly developed sense of integrity combined with an all-important sense of humor. I have devised a fun little test to determine the level of both these traits at once.
Find a reason to drop into your superior’s office (I recommend the urge to express a contrary opinion about something that come up in the Monday meeting), and gradually steer the conversation to your personal life. Take out your wallet (ladies, this may necessitate going into the office with your purse or handbag, which could be clunky—I cannot help you there) and show off a photo of something (your dog, your child, your spouse, or all three if you got the deal I did at the Sears portrait studio). Surreptitiously leave the wallet on the person’s desk and depart a few beats later on an urgent matter, closing the door as you leave, seemingly too busy to have noticed you left the wallet behind. If, in a moment or two, the new hire emerges from behind the closed door to return your wallet, then you know they have integrity. If, however, they cannot resist the urge to go through your personal items, the first thing they will find is a note you have left on the inside to greet them as soon as they flip it open. A note reading: “You’re the CEO. What the hell are you doing going through my wallet?” This, then, will be a highly effective test of both their sense of humor and, it should be added, of your longevity with the company. But, as they say, great rewards only come with great risks.
Lastly, remember that whoever it is that gets the upper management position will, much like our new president, be responsible, one way or another, for your financial and emotional stability over the course of their term. And, much like our new president, they will likely find their own ways to test your support of them and gauge your level of involvement in the give-and-take of the system. In this regard, I like to cite Frank Yablans, the former head of Paramount Studios, who, upon his promotion to top of the heap, reportedly called each of his now-new employees into his office and asked them, “so, why shouldn’t I fire you?” We might all do well to start compiling a list of answers to that question as a workplace survival strategy. As to the new head honcho in the political arena, after the next four years we are all welcome to ask the same question of
him, too.
Ah, the pre-election, winding-down death throes of a long political campaign and the guaranteed finger-pointing nastiness that ensues as each candidate tries to smear the other in a thick coating of “unsuitable for office.” It’s a delightful tradition, and one to which the general public has become inured, even as we rail against the adolescent viciousness of the strategy. Well, rail all you want, gang: the strategy works. According to the Website CompleteCampaigns.com, hitting below the belt energizes one’s core supporters and renews their commitment, at the same time as turning off those less likely to vote and potentially alienating people who are for the other candidate to the point where they might even choose not to vote themselves. So, it’s get the base out while making sure nobody else but the base punches a Diebold touch screen. Talk about a win-win.
It’s no secret that work, and even life, is becoming increasingly political. As the troubled economy keeps us all scrambling, we, as “candidates” for our own “office” will not be faulted now if we pull out all the stops and get the important people behind us while driving the ineffectual cogs away. And, fear not, this technique has an illustrious history. William Safire, in his New Political Dictionary, points out the following phrase, which appeared in The Barber of Seville in 1775: “Calumniate! Calumniate!' Some of it will always stick!” This was extrapolated from the even more ancient Latin motto, 'Fortiter calumniari, aliquia adhaerebit,' which means “throw plenty of dirt and some of it will be sure to stick.' By around the time of the Civil War, “dirt” evolved into “mud,” and it is from this that we get the term “mudslinging” today. See? Simply by knuckling under and lowering your moral standards, you are part of something venerable and long-standing.
Here, then, are my suggestions for increasing your leverage in the world of work (and beyond) with the help of this heinous, but time-honored tradition.
#1 – GETTING THAT PROMOTION
Perhaps you cannot afford the team of spin-doctors that remain at the disposal of Messrs. McCain and Obama. No matter. The Internet is a valuable tool with which to seek out information on those competing with you for a coveted position, and it is very likely that a simple Google will provide you with a treasure trove of unsavory information. Not to mention; the industrious smearer can use the office gossip network as an invaluable source of potentially libelous material. So what if it’s unsubstantiated! The point is to get your butt into that higher-paying chair, isn’t it? The next step is to create an attack ad that guarantees you success. A suggested template follows.
“My opponent (insert name of employee competing with you here) claims that they are the only clear choice when it comes to getting the (insert job title here) position in our firm. But, what if I told you that their record on taking personal phone calls at work is embarrassingly high? That they consistently voted against our proven effective Monday morning brainstorming meetings? That they got so drunk at the last teamwork retreat in Branson, Missouri that Kenny Rogers took out a restraining order on them? Whereas the only truly suitable candidate for (insert job title here) is (insert your name here), whose estimable track record of reliability, dedication and comparatively minor incidents involving taking home a few pads of Post-It Notes and some Hi-Liters, leaving the paper jam for somebody else to fix and the occasional embezzlement of hundreds of thousands of dollars through my own personal ingenuity and Internet hacking expertise, makes them the best choice to lead the (name of department) into the sun-drenched future.”
#2 – KEEPING YOUR COMPANY ON TOP
Once they promote you to Executive Vice President based on your underhanded but perfectly acceptable tactics (see above), it is now your responsibility to make sure those who compete with your organization for consumer dollars are kept as far away from market dominance as can be.
“(Insert name of competitor here) will tell you that they are the superior provider of (insert your field or product here) in the United States. But did you know?
A. (Name of competitor) is known for physically beating anyone who dares to file a complaint about their business?
B. (Name of competitor) routinely hosts orgies at the stockholders’ expense?
C. (Name of competitor) is internationally known for taking food out of the mouths of innocent, starving children?
D. And, perhaps worst of all, (name of competitor) charges a lot more for shipping than it actually costs them.
[NOTE TO SMEARER: It is very important not to go into great detail about any of the above; remember, the point is to energize your base.]
We hope you will take these very important factors into consideration as you choose (your company name here) for all of your (insert your field or product here) needs.”
#3 – NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNING IN THE HOME
Sometimes, the fight for dominance in the home can get as petty and unsavory as anything the world of business has to offer. There are many situations that may require a deft way with words, but here is just one example of how to use the tools available to McCain and Obama to your advantage not just in the boardroom, but in the living room, too.
“People say (insert your name here) is an annoying spouse. That they will always prioritize work over quality time with family. That they would surgically graft a Bluetooth to their ear if they could. That they consider falling asleep in front of the television foreplay. To those people we say: maybe these very things are the values that made this country great. Maybe someone has to work their butt off so all of you can eat well and shop at the Gap. Maybe creating a sizable nest egg in this scary economy is worth more than a little roll in the hay.”
And then, you tag it all with a campaign slogan. Maybe something like: “(Insert Your Name Here). Stop Complaining and Let Me Work My Butt Off.”
So, you can see how one can turn something on its ear and, no matter how responsible you are for the problem, make people think they had the wrong idea all along. Which, no matter who gets in, is probably what we’re all going to be thinking a few months after November 4.
This month, U.S. News and World Report weighed in with some sobering news (as opposed to the side-splitting, laugh riot pieces they normally run): that only two percent of almost 1,200 surveyed graduating medical students said they want to work in primary care or internal medicine. Why? Because they did not relish the paperwork, having to tend to the needs of the chronically ill, or the quantity of work they would have to bring home. Not to mention the thirty-five times a week some hypochondriac at a cocktail party with a drink in each hand and the flaky remnants of a cheese puff dangling from his upper lip recounts his entire medical history while pointing to the Tic-Tac sized bump on his neck and asking whether it is simply a cyst or the incipient emergence of a second head.
Like many of us, I was raised with the image of the gentle family doctor whose passion allowed their professions to choose them, sometimes from a very early age. As opposed to someone like me, who played doctor from the age of five, but could never get an insurance company to endorse my unique health plan: a pee-pee O. Nonetheless, in those days, the homespun dedication of TV physicians like Dr. Kildare, Ben Casey and Marcus Welby set the tone. Now, we have the self-involved Vicodin addict on House. But even in his case, it seems that being a doctor is the life he was meant to lead. Just like my own great uncle Irving Sobol. Here was a pediatrician who showed up at people’s homes with his little black bag. He listened to even the smallest family concern. He cared. He had a calling. And callings can seem tough to come by in an increasingly market driven society. Why do I feel like if “miracle worker” Anne Sullivan were alive today, healing Helen Keller would not be enough? She would also demand a large retainer and a percentage of her client’s lucrative public speaking tour. Interestingly, another main reason the above-mentioned graduates said they did not want to pursue primary care was that it has the lowest average salary, of only $186,000 per year. (Orthopedic surgeons, apparently, make three times that, and all without having to take a urine sample from anyone.)
I’m not saying internal medicine or family practice is not without its challenges, and I am definitely not saying I haven’t been on the receiving end of the lack of bedside manner that can result from such a demanding job. Once, when diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, my GP’s recommendation was that I try pretending, to the best of my ability, that I didn’t have the condition. I told him that would be fine, as long as he didn’t mind if I pretended to pay him. At the risk of giving you more personal detail than you may want or require, I can tell you that the paperwork involved in my colonoscopy last year was almost as brutal as the procedure. When I was done with all the forms I asked to have them back so I could check ‘yes’ for carpal tunnel syndrome. The doctor very bluntly told me that having a colonoscopy would mean that I would soon have a camera inside me. I said that would be fine, as long as I could direct. But he drew the line at my demanding final cut, and told me I wasn’t even entitled to a small percentage of the back end.
Now we live in the world of the HMO. In fact, I’m a card-carrying member of the Society for Choosing an HMO. Which makes me a SCHMO). And, experts are predicting a shortage of general practitioners in the near future. And goodness knows these med school graduates who aren’t interested in being my personal Marcus Welby can easily justify it by pointing to all the money they dropped on medical school. And here again, the potential true calling is replaced by economic desire. Still, let’s take their objections one by one.
Having grown up with my uncle Irving, I was given a model for success and happiness that is rapidly declining in a bottom-line world. Here was a man who came through the depression and endured intense economic strain, yet somewhere along the line he answered his call and decided to make life a non-economically-driven thing. There are very few models for this kind of behavior left. If there were, the CEO of Lehman Brothers would trade his platinum parachute for an Orange Julius franchise in the slums of Calcutta so that the impoverished and indigent could not only get a full day’s supply of Vitamin C in a refreshing, frothy elixir, but also free advice on how to invest their life savings of eight cents in a highly leveraged derivatives package. Indeed, my uncle represents a bygone era.
First, the fear of too much paperwork. Come on, what profession doesn’t have too much paperwork? If you don’t want paperwork, join the Mafia. Because you’ll never hear a hit man say, “Listen, Don Vito, I don’t mind shooting and burying my own mother, but do I have to fill out all those forms?”
Second, the medical students expressed worry over having to deal with the constant needs of the chronically ill. (“So, I’m on the seventh hole at Pebble Beach and I get a phone call from the wife of one of my patients. Turns out the jerk had an aneurism! These people think they know pain? They should try practicing their swing six hours a day and still hitting a slice!”)
And finally, there was the concern of having to bring so much work home. These med school grads should count themselves lucky. In a few years, with more and more demand on the hospitals, they may well have to start taking their patients home. (“Honey, get dinner ready. And don’t forget we have to leave some room on top of the table for Steve. I think it’s his appendix.”)
I guess it’s just a case of what one is willing to put up with for the sake of the profession they have chosen. And, increasingly, the concept of a “calling” seems to only exist in sports or the arts. Nike says “just do it,” the implication being that you have to, you’re driven to. That’s why people in these fields follow their dreams. How else does a New York Shakespearean actor survive, knowing that the closest he will come to having an audience for a soliloquy is when he dramatically interprets the list of daily specials? (Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to choose the lo-fat Italian dressing, or order the chili fries and by consuming, belch them.”)
Money drives us, seemingly more than ever. Twenty-four hour financial channels on TV spit out the implied make-it-or-break-it message. Yet within the maelstrom, between Smart Money and The Bloomberg Channel, are a few encouraging signs. For example, it often happens that people who find a way to treat their job as an art end up happier, and some of them even rise to the top. Richard Branson, for example, is always smiling. But then again, wouldn’t you be if you were surrounded by a fleet of giant virgins, each with an airborne thrust of 7,500 pounds?
So maybe we all have the answer right in our own greedy little heads. If you cannot find a calling, make what you are doing your calling. When I began in the recruiting field, management consulting was exploding, and I pretty quickly succumbed to the allure of a well-paying profession. But it got old. And gradually, I began to see that what I loved about my job was the ability to get people to open up to me, tell me whom they really were. I share something vital with my clients, and it is rewarding and energizing. It’s like being a therapist for careers. So, in my own way, I have, on the rare occasions when I get it absolutely right, continued my uncle Irwin’s legacy, by becoming the caring country doctor who listens and is there for the needs of their community. Just don’t call me in the middle of the night with your worries. I’m not getting paid enough for that.
It has taken me all week to realize that George Carlin is dead. He was so cavalier about the subject (his final HBO special featured a long rant on his blithely crossing off the names of dead friends in his address book), that it’s hard to view the mere fact of his kicking the bucket as tragic; but the lack of his voice out there on the stage and in the world qualifies as a downer to say the least. I worked in comedy for many years, and though I never met George, he was the kind of guy you felt was speaking right to you anyway. And we live in a culture wherein a whole lot of people we never meet become part of who we are (for some, Martha Stewart, for others, George Carlin).
And George Carlin, perhaps more than anyone, was truly a work/life balance comedian. No matter what he screamed about, it was always in aid of cutting through the b.s. and getting us to see that we were mired in our own ridiculous picture of how things are supposed to go. And he skewered everything, including what we all do for a living. (“If crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?”) The fact that he went from buttoned-down observational jokes to society-skewering diatribes is only fitting. In his comedy, he started out merely working, and by the end he was diving fully into life and all its contradictions. He also suffered from some addictions, and managed to stay married for over thirty years, so on that score he must have known something about how to keep things in perspective.
Carlin loved to say that he enjoyed watching the human race slowly circling the drain of their own extinction, but anyone who kept on getting out there and commenting on our foibles must have felt some glimmers of hope for his species, too. By way of a woefully inadequate tribute to the now late legend, I hereby borrow from the Carlin lexicon and send out a cautionary screed of my own concerning the subject of this very blog. In fact, some of the hindrances to getting work and life on the same track may very well be in the words we use to keep them separate. With that in mind, may I present:
THE SEVEN WORDS YOU CANNOT SAY IN THE WORKPLACE
Tenderness
Fear
Joy
Play
Childish
Non-competitive
Carefree
Not exactly a laugh riot, but I like to think these words could prove just as shocking to the establishment as that famous and more cathartic list of so-called obscenities. Sure, ultimately my attempt at immortality is not as funny as George Carlin. But then again, few things were.
It’s all well and good to put family first, but a teen pregnancy pact puts work/life balance out of whack before you even start working.By now, we have all formed our own theories on what could possibly have caused seventeen high school girls to want to get pregnant at the same time, besides the fact that non-starter Jamie-Lynn Spears grabbed nine months worth of headlines by doing the same thing.
Well, as usual, it turns out that, like it or not, the bizarre things our kids do have something to teach us.Once we get past the wanting-to-send-them-to-a-tough-love-camp stage, anyway.An ABC News report on the story trotted out a psychiatrist, who pointed out that people who form pacts “develop trust, camaraderie and rebelliousness by sharing this secret, [and] these bonds then impel them to commit the forbidden act that they wouldn't have the courage to do on their own."
I’m not suggesting that we adults start deciding to get pregnant en masse (wouldn’t work for the guys, anyway…at least not yet), but let’s look at the key elements of the above analysis: the trust formed in a pact allows the group to commit a taboo act they wouldn’t normally do individually.And what are some of the unspoken taboos of the overworked overachiever?Down time, open communication and vulnerability to name a few.Of course, each of us craves these things but is too caught up in a system that does not reward them.Now, if we could get together with a dozen or so like-minded workaholics and agree on a subversive act that would really knock our loved ones for a loop….
“Hello, Fred?So, it’s settled, then.Bob and Kevin and Ryan and Bill and Frank and Al and Mark and Peter and Steve and John and Paul and me are all going to leave work early on Thursday and take the family out to dinner and a movie.Now, don’t forget to call all of us at exactly 3:30 so we can synchronize the turning off of all cell phones and Blackberries.Except at 6:00 pm when we turn them all back on to text message each other and make sure we’re going through with the plan.Anyone who doesn’t text at six will be banned from all future pacts.And trust me, you don’t want that to happen.We’ve got one coming up where we’re going to call in sick and spend a lazy day with our spouses and girlfriends!Isn’t that awesome?No, I wouldn’t want to miss it, either.Anyway, at 11:00 pm we all call each other to see how everything went, and how we’re dealing with not thinking about work for a full eight hours.Yes, it is exciting, Fred, isn’t it?And forbidden, you bet!The boss would kill us if he knew!Tee-hee.Tee-hee-hee.Tee-hee-hee-hee.”
Of course, as with all pacts, often the participants do not consider the consequences of taking things too far.And the danger here is that we will get so used to enjoying life that we may never want to work again.And before you know it, America will have fallen behind in the global economy.Nah, that’ll never happen.
It is only natural for the human mind to connect seemingly disparate events and try to assign them a collective meaning.So it was as I prepared to write a little something about the recent indictments of two former hedge fund managers at Bear-Stearns who allegedly engaged in conspiracy and fraud by misleading their investors about the declining value of their product.(Although, let’s face it, anybody in this economy who believes anything is actually gaining in value may very well deserve what they get.)Wire service photos depict the tight-lipped men being led away by the authorities and I suppose it is only right that they should be tight-lipped; after all, stoicism is the only socially acceptable way men can cope with bad news—aside from when they are watching the Lakers lose an NBA title, in which case throwing an ashtray also works.So, is it a coincidence, then, that another story hitting the Internet at the same time is about a new photographic exhibit featuring portraits of famous men doing the unthinkable: crying?
Yes, it’s true.The photographer Sam Taylor-Wood has been showing a series of photographs depicting screen stars in various stages of weepy-time.Forrest Whitaker is seen pretty much bawling, while Daniel Craig looks like he just spent an evening remembering the pet canary he had to bury when he was six.Robin Williams seems like he’s trying not to cry (perhaps he momentarily forgot what subject to riff endlessly on and had a panic attack), and Paul Newman doesn’t look like he’s crying at all, although one hand obscures his probably tearful eye.
I suppose it’s courageous of these men to have their sobbing images frozen for eternity on a gallery wall, but let’s face it, they are ACTORS, and probably get off on the voyeuristic tone, anyway.Or, they could very well be ACTING in these shots, another possibility.The point, though, is that a group of men actually consented to be shown weeping, and this could bode well both for the cause of work/life balance and the continuing success of Oprah.So, then, it might be time for those in the corporate sector who are led away in handcuffs to start realizing that it’s okay to break down.Now, it doesn’t have to be on the Jimmy Swaggart level or anything, but how about letting those tight lips sag a bit, maybe letting the mist of regret cloud your eyes?
Your bravery, corporate criminals, in blazing a trail for all men everywhere to get in touch with their feelings, could lead us to a new period of enlightenment not seen since that weird period in the 80’s when guys were getting naked in the woods and beating drums and all that.Maybe if the next dude convicted of corporate malfeasance would just blubber a little, it would give us all permission to sob about how our busy lives are preventing us from getting to what really matters.Well, I better go.I’m getting all verklempt.
