10 Ways How NOT to Land a Job Interview! by Ted Eleftheriou

10. Create a Resume that Stinks: Don’t proofread your resume. Allow misspelled words, use poor grammar, create a confusing layout, print it on copy machine paper, and make sure the words are hard to read by using an ink cartridge that is just about out of ink.

9. Don’t Send a Cover Letter: Never send a cover letter with your resume. Ever! If you do send one, you run the risk that the company will call you for an interview. Don’t take that chance.

8. Send Your Resume via the Wrong Method: If the recruiter asks for your resume to be e-mailed, then fax it. If she asks for a hard copy sent via the U.S. Post Office, e-mail it to her. And if she asks for it to be faxed, then FedEx it. After all, you don’t want to be like everyone else who followed the instructions. You want to stand out! And stand out you will!

7. Misspell the Person’s Name: Nothing says, “I could care less about you,” than misspelling the person’s name who is receiving your resume. If they have a difficult name like “Eleftheriou” they should be used to having their name misspelled, right? No biggy! And don’t bother wasting your time finding out the recruiter’s gender. If the person’s name is Pat Johnson, address him or her as: Dear Mr. or Mrs. Pat Johnson. Better yet, avoid using their last name altogether and write, “Hi Pat!” Even better yet, go generic: To Whom It May Concern:

6 Only List Family Members for References: Seriously, who knows you better than your own family? Proper “Reference Page” etiquette is to always list the name first, then their title. For example, write: “John Carpenter” then beneath right the title: “Dad.” Not the other way around. And if you want to sound even more immature, use: “Pops,” “Daddy” or “Dadda” for the title. Listing about three to five family members should be enough to get your resume thrown out.

5. Number 10: It’s worth repeating. And whatever you do, don’t hire Blueprint 4 Resumes to write your resume. Those guys will write you a killer resume that will LAND YOU INTERVIEWS!

4. Write Your Resume in Chronological Order: Knowing that many recruiters may not read through your entire resume, begin with the job you started right out of high school with, (i.e., Bun Steamer at “Weenie Hut Junior”) and end with your current position (i.e., Electrical Engineer for NASA). This should lessen your chances for an interview by quite a bit.

3. Add Perfume or Aftershave to Your Resume: If you’re lucky, the person receiving your resume will be allergic to the fragrance and discard your resume immediately. At the very least, the smell will irritate the recruiter enough for him to throw it out… way out!

2. Use Personal Style When Writing Your Resume: Regionalism will go a long way to unimpress a reader. Write things like, “Y’all fixin’ you be needin’ som-un to git-r-done soon?” And if you’re from the Bible belt, you have to go with King James Version, “O most holy recruiter. Lend me your ear that thoust may hearest me when I utter thy words, ‘Callest me for thine interview.’”

And the Number One way To NOT get a Job Interview

1. Don’t Send Your Resume. Period: If you don’t send it, you can’t possibly get an interview, right? Heck, at the very least, wait until the deadline for submissions has passed. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s laziness, but whatever the reason, nothing guarantees no job interviews like making sure that no one outside of your four walls knows that you are looking for a job. In the meantime, enjoy the four walls... while you still have them!

Okay, now if you DO want to land a job interview, just do the opposite and you should be good to go!