The Guide to Business with Earthlings by Offyd Grinipuffs

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Observations 19 and 20: that's all for now Earthlings

Here are our final observations for Fast Company. If you want to read more go to www.businesswithearthlings.com  

 Observation 19 Those who have English as their mother tongue have an enormous, undeserved, commercial advantage, as through a series of historical accidents English has developed into the international language of business. According to the predictograph this will change, and in the next century, our studies show that 95% of terrestrial business will take place in Mandarin Chinese and Bahasa. The predictograph also indicates that unless the British and USians make the effort to learn the language of the emerging economic powers their economies will suffer the consequences. 

Observation 20

Management is well aware of the subversive nature of interpersonal loyalty, and tries to replace it with loyalty to corporate values, or a (supposedly) shared “vision.” Yet even at the top, leaders reveal that they have the same instincts as their subordinates, and will sometimes rate the interests of their friends and peers higher than those of the corporation they work for – as can be seen in the generous golden handshakes, and bonus schemes which top managers award each other. Alternatively, they will convince themselves (with that highly-developed talent executive managers have for reconciling seemingly contradictory beliefs) that their interests and those of the company are really one and the same.

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Observation 18: The Guide to Business with Earthlings

Humans generally wish to be well-thought-of by their peers, but what is regarded as admirable or highly-principled behaviour varies from place to place and sometimes from one generation to another. There are, in other words, trends in Earthling morality just as there are trends in clothing , and at the moment such virtues as chastity, duty or thrift are unlikely to make it to the short-list of fashionable qualities, while being a self-starter, ambitious and passionate and are much more desirable traits for employees. In order to create or maintain a positive brand image, Earthling companies must be on virtue’s “cutting edge,” finding new and better ways to display the most fashionable ethical principles.  So companies are happy to re-cycle office paper or to encourage employees to use public transport, as this is seen as helping to save the environment. They may also, for example,  feel called upon to abolish the Easter bunny so as not to offend employees of non-Christian backgrounds or the members of the “Front for the Dignity of Rabbits.”

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Observation 17:The Guide to Business with Earthlings

Read more about what Offydians think about the way Earthlings do business on: www.businesswithearthlings.com

The relationship between the top management of large corporations and local and national politicians is often mutually beneficial. One group might give the other money (to support a specific political party for example) while the other provides benefits in kind (tax concessions for the company perhaps, or titles and honours for its leaders.) When the relationship is working well both groups experience the glow of satisfaction which comes from mixing as equals with those of whom one is a little in awe. When it becomes too close and a little too influenced by self-interest, one or both partners is likely to end up in jail.

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Observation 16. The Guide to Business with Earthlings

It is clear to us Observers that young Earthlings think a great deal about sex and its associated preliminaries (i.e. locating a potential mate, planning how to win his/her interest.) Later they spend a lot of time thinking about how to keep their partners (if they have one) then still later, how to get rid of them and find another one they like better.

Needless to say, all this takes time and frequently interferes with their work, especially if the workplace has many young employees of both genders. It would thus appear that a mixture of older and younger individuals (or a preponderance of individuals with low sex drives) would make for the most stable organisations.

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Observation 15

There are strong taboos about touching in the workplace, and occasions when physical contact is regarded as appropriate are few and far between. The only sort of physical contact we can observe regularly is a handshake, which is a conventional business greeting following strict unwritten rules regarding duration, degree of strength employed, and permitted degrees of moistness of skin. During a number of encounters the good manners of certain individuals are overridden by their desire to dominate* the new acquaintance, a potentially dangerous impulse which can lead to crushed knuckles. 

*good manners are overridden by their desire to dominate: We have also seen this on Alioth where the conventional form of greeting (the greeter places the third set of legs behind the first set of legs of the greetee and pushes lightly) may result in the dismemberment of one or both of the creatures if one of them decides it wants to make a strong impression on its counterpart and presses a little too strongly.

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The Guide to Business with Earthlings

 Observation 14

Earthlings make careless mistakes very often – this is part of human nature (HN). One reason is that they are naturally lazy, and another is that they lose concentration if they feel pressed for time. Both reasons explain why busy people seldom read their email messages thoroughly. Usually they stop after glancing at the subject field, the name of the sender, and the first sentence of the message. If they do not see the name of someone more important than themselves, or the word URGENT, they do not read further. This naturally causes a great many misunderstandings and mistakes, and illustrates the tendency of Earthlings to cut corners regardless of consequences.    

Observation 15

We can state that males from between the ages of forty to sixty are much more likely to have attained positions of power and influence than females of a similar age. We have also observed that even males without such positions are listened to with some degree of respect. However, there is a disproportionate number of middle-aged and older women at the bottom end of the hierarchy, and although we can see that their levels of knowledge and competence are at least as high as those of their male colleagues, they may as well abandon the power of speech altogether, as no-one is going to bother listening to anything they say.* 

 *no-one is going to bother listening to anything they say: In this , older human females are reminiscent of the cave creatures of Mandor who spent many years trying to tell the rest of the population about the meteor which was going to destroy their planet. They were, as usual, ignored, and abandoned Mandor shortly before the meteor struck. Their last message from their spaceship to their home planet was, “We told you so.”   

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Observation 12

During the course of our observations we have monitored a variety of company literature, past and present, and have been struck by the number of statements in recent documents which stress the value of trust between customer and supplier, and between members of the same company. It is a fact that organisations where co-workers trust each other are more efficient and happier places than those where the opposite applies, but in reality GLOB and similar companies are spending increasing amounts on strict systems of security checks and counter-checks to ensure that their employees do not rob them blind.* 

 Ironically our research shows that only a couple of generations ago a hand-shake was often enough to seal an agreement between business people, but now professional and personal relationships with people outside the individual’s immediate team seem to be marked by deep suspicion and the assumption that most fellow humans are prepared to stab you in the back* if you do not protect yourself. Bearing this in mind, the lip-service paid to the importance of trust in business relationships strikes us as surprising. 

* rob them blind: not literally. Earthlings do not rob blind people only, they rob almost everyone. Nor does an Earthling turn blind when robbed, though he or she might turn angry.* stab you in the back: not literally. Attacks on competitors or rivals are usually verbal rather than physical (unlike on the planet Thuggg where , for example, promotions are usually decided by mortal combat and one is issued with company-specific body armour when starting a new position.) 

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The Guide to Business with Earthlings

Observation 10

It is difficult to draw the line between work and leisure on Earth. Some humans find the time at work to socialise with colleagues, phone friends or play cards for profit. This naturally interferes negatively with the amount of time they can spend working, but makes for a cheerful workplace which often has higher than average levels of productivity. At the other end of the spectrum, some people work so hard every moment they are at the office or factory that they never have time to talk to colleagues about anything other than their jobs. This group of “live-to-work” employees is generally smaller than the “work-to-live” group, but if for some reason the work-fiends* start to dominate an organisation  the consequences are worrying, as stress and absenteeism levels among the workforce as a whole tend to rise. Worryingly, a disproportionate number of the “l-to-w” group become managers. 

*work-fiends: term loosely translated from the Blimm language. As you remember such individuals are extremely unpopular on that planet , and if convicted of being one, are sentenced to  work an entire Blimm year in a small windowless cell preparing new strategies for selling cooling devices to the inhabitants of the ice-planet Balless.

Observation  11

The word, “passion” is used very frequently in corporate literature and it is regarded as desirable that people are “passionate” about their work. However, our inter-galactic language program, usually very reliable, tells us that the word describes a very strong emotion or intense sexual attraction, neither of which are likely to facilitate clear thinking or rational behaviour. Happily, I have seen little evidence of any of this intensity of emotion at the workplace so far. It appears that, despite it being a highly-esteemed quality in most corporations, most people expend their passions outside the working environment and (judging by what “passionate” humans are capable of) a good thing too.  

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The Guide to Business with Earthlings: Observations 8 and 9

Observation 8

It is regarded by Earthlings as rather undignified to admit how seriously they take the issue of status. Nevertheless, all human males  know that the individual’s position in the hierarchy is reflected in the size of his desk, the model of his company car, whether he has a secretary, or, in the case of IT professionals the number and sophistication of the electronic gadgets he possesses. In the case of females, most of the above applies (with the exception of the display of shiny devices) but they also indicate their status by their choice of clothes and accessories. In this they are rather like the inhabitants of the planet Groon who can gauge how important a fellow Groonak is by the number and colour of metal rings it wears round its horns.  

Observation 9

It is strange that the current emphasis on the value of trust between customer and supplier, and between members of the same company, co-exists with an increasingly strict system of checks and counter-checks.  Indeed, professional and personal relationships with people outside the individual’s immediate team seem to be marked by deep suspicion and the assumption that most fellow humans are prepared to rob you blind, if the contrary is not clearly proved. (Ironically our research shows that only a couple of generations ago a hand-shake was often enough to seal an agreement between business people, but at that time people doing business together were more likely to know each other on a personal level.) Bearing this in mind, the lip-service paid to the importance of trust in business relationships strikes us a surprising.

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The Guide to Business with Earthlings: Observation 7

 Observation

It seems strange to many of us from Offyd that so many humans actually want to take on managerial positions. On the home planet of course individuals make regular payments to avoid being given duties where they have to make colleagues do what they do not believe in, enforce decisions they do not agree with, and spend more time and energy at work than with families and friends. Given that even lowly jobs in most terrestrial companies provide the individual with enough money for food, shelter and some simple pleasures (alcohol and television) we can only state, and not for the first time, that in this search for leadership positions, Earthlings seem to act counter-intuitively.

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