The joke about owners of sports utility vehicles being in constant readiness to invade Poland became all the more poignant last week, with reports that Russia had deployed ‘peacekeeping forces’ to Georgia. With the distant echo of Russian T90 tanks reverberating from the TV news report, I watched the familiar ritual of my neighbors, the 'Guzzlers’, as they loaded their own immense vehicle with a drinks cooler and two small children. Their destination was not the strategic Georgian port of Poti on the Black Sea but Jones Beach on the south shore of Long Island.

They are, the Guzzlers that is, apparently amiable, even likable non-combatants. A while ago I asked Mr. Guzzler why he drove such a huge beast. ‘We just like the fact that its four-wheel drive’ he answered. Although, given the catalog of extras such as individual seat-back DVD players, refrigerated glove compartments and enough cup holders to stage a tea-tasting convention, this particular conveyance probably has the four-wheel drive agility of a fully loaded supermarket shopping cart. ‘You never know when you’re going to need the off-road capability’ he smiled innocently. Hmm, this is Manhasset not Montana and the only time this particular leviathan is off-road is when Mrs. Guzzler parks it on the sidewalk while shopping because it’s too big to leave on the street. He could obviously tell that I wasn’t convinced and that I was still struggling to understand the rationale so he delivered his coup de grace. ‘It’s really a question of safety. I just feel better knowing that they’re up high and protected from the other hotshots on the road, particularly when I’m not there’. This, I suppose, seems an acceptable motive for owning such a monstrous contraption. Encasing Mrs. Guzzler and the Guzzletinis in a two-ton steel box lined with plastic and foam may offer them some protection but at what price? And before I’m accused of penny-pinching in respect of personal safety, I’m not talking about the cost of gas or any other expenses incurred by running such a colossal machine, which is ultimately the Guzzlers’ private business. I’m concerned about the cost to everyone else’s safety.

Like many of us, I’ve become accustomed to arrogant, tail-gating bullies in high-sided, bull-nosed SUVs attached to my rear fender as if they are coupled by steel chains. In fact, a couple of months ago I had the misfortune to find myself in peril from ever-encroaching, chrome-plated bull bars. In my mirror I saw a familiar sight; huge vehicle at perilously close quarters with what appeared to be a pixie driving it. I couldn’t move over so I sped up. Unsurprisingly, so did the pixie, which actually made her proximity even more dangerous. So I slowed down again which merely engendered several pro-longed bursts of the monster’s horn. Eventually, we came to a wide intersection so I moved out of the way and watched as the pixie, which had now morphed into a demented goblin, whooshed by with horn still blaring and offering me ‘the finger’. That goblin was the sweet and petite Mrs. Guzzler who is five feet four inches tall and probably weighs less than a hundred and twenty pounds when dripping wet. I should add here that I grew up in Britain, which means that by my wife’s description; I learned to drive a stick-shift, too fast, in the rain, on the wrong side of the road. I mention this only to emphasize that I’m not usually intimidated by driving or traffic, even in small European sub-compacts. My wife and I had been talking about buying a smaller car for local journeys. We’d even thought about the two-seater, micro vehicle from Mercedes, the somewhat ironically named ‘Smart Car’. But the thought of Mrs. Guzzler and her ilk, cocooned in a mountain of steel, arrogant indifference on full throttle as they literally look down on the rest of us is just too horrifying. It seems that size really does matter after all, at least in terms of feeling safe on the roads, but how much bigger can these things actually get?

Relief could be near in that the love affair with ‘big iron’ is possibly beginning to sour. Recent trade reports conclude that the big manufacturers have vastly increased their inventory of SUVs. The glut has been attributed, unsurprisingly, to the rising cost of oil since many of these vehicles return pitiful, if not contemptible, gas mileage. Big discounts and other enticements by the manufacturers have led to massive declines in resale values and lease residuals, placing burden on owners and makers alike. Ironically, the industry analysts are proclaiming that due to price reductions there has never been a better time to buy as the increased cost of gas will be offset over the vehicle’s life. This appears dangerously similar to the inept rationalization used by frenzied fashionistas when spending thousands in a sale to ‘save’ a few hundred.

A personal concern for me is that to avoid or defer taking a big loss, the Guzzlers will be tempted to trade in their current model for an even larger, more expensive, and possibly combat-ready version. As the events in Georgia demonstrated last week, we are living in dangerous times but; is it really necessary to deploy an armored personnel carrier to accomplish the school run?