Everywhere I go, I hear talk about how hard it is for women to get back into the work force once they've left. The women discussing the topic haven't necessarily themselves left -- they're thinking about it and are terrified by the horror stories they've heard. Having fought long and hard for their MBAs or CFAs or other qualifications, having slogged it out in corporate America for the rewards of high salaries and prestige titles, they're rightly wary of throwing it all away for a few years of baby bliss. What, they want to know, is the true cost of taking time out?
They are right to be concerned. Ann Crittenden estimated that stepping off the career ladder cost her somewhere around a million dollars in terms of lost earnings, lost social security, and pension payments. And she had a job that allowed her to work freelance!
And it's clear from research at Harvard and Wharton that getting back into the corporate workforce is really tough. You're still expensive but (from the blinkered perspective of your bosses) not really up to date. Many will assume that, if you've had a child, you can't think properly any more and you will be constantly distracted by doctors' appointments and school pageants. However enlightened the management, years away from work take a real toll on your confidence. Not your competence -- I think parenthood actually makes people more competent not less.
Yes, there is a lot wrong with the anachronistic, rigid career structures that still characterize most corporations. But I think one reason on ramps and off ramps prove so tricky to negotiate is that we start with the wrong mental model.
I hear it all the time. "I'm going to take a few years out and then, when the kids are settled and in school, I'll go back to work." Sounds fine but it's all wrong. The kids aresettled. Yes they go to school -- but then they have homework, and school clubs, and peer pressure and girl friend/boyfriend problems, and guess what? The issues they bring home are bigger and harder and more complex and more time-consuming than diaper changing ever was. The few years you were going to take off recede endlessly until, some 20 years later, you lift your head, look around and wonder what happened.
Your children need you more as they grow older, not less. That's the dirty little secret of motherhood. When they're tiny, they need feeding, changing, dressing and some fairly undemanding forms of engagement. Many people can provide this. As they get older, they need moral guidance, health guidance, social guidance -- and also help with trigonometry. No one but you can provide this. And your kids probably won't accept help from anyone but you. Sorry girls but it's true. It gets harder, more emotional and more stressful.
When my sister first told me this, I dismissed it, thinking it was just a typical big sister passive-aggressive ploy. It wasn't. She was right.
It's important to think about this because it has severe repercussions when it comes to thinking about career planning. If your kids are going to get more demanding, not less -- when is the right time to take time out? (That is, assuming you ever can. Many women can never afford this.) Can you engineer ways of ensuring that kid-crunch and career-crunch don't coincide? Do you want -- as some women do -- to take 20 years out? One of the best female entrepreneurs I've ever met did exactly that -- and went on to create a world-beating business.
No one can tell you what to do. What we can do is tell each other the truth so we start with the right information. And the truth is, your kids will demand more of you as they get bigger and older, more articulate, and more discriminating. Every mother I talk to knows this but most of us had to learn it the hard way. It's time we started pretending that the hard part was child birth. The hard part is just life.
Related Stories: | Topics:Management, women in business, Ann Crittenden, United States, Harvard University, Culture and Lifestyle, Family |
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Recent Comments | 8 Total
August 15, 2005 at 3:40pm by Jennifer Warwick
I'm struggling to identify the take-away here...
Experienced mothers should warn new mothers that raising kids is hard work that lasts for years? Having a child can knock you off the career ladder because (some) management will assume you'll be distracted? If you want both a career and a family, work for yourself?
Despite all the coverage this study is getting, it's not exactly a newsflash. Yes, data show it's hard to get back in the game after time off. And? IMHO, time spent in righteous indignation (not referring to the author here) is time wasted. Railing against the unfairness of it all doesn't get us anywhere.
The big question is: Do you *want* to get back in? If no, women are starting successful small businesses every day, as well as changing careers. There is an overwhelming amount of support and an abundance of resources out there. As the Sweet Potato Queens would say, "Gogityewsome!"
If yes, be serious about it. Get a mentor, colleague, coach or therapist to help you transition. Do the same research and prep work you'd do if you were starting from scratch. And once you are back in the game, play fair, and play well. By giving management what psychologists call a "corrective experience" :-) you can make it that much easier for the woman (or man) after you who has also taken time off.
August 16, 2005 at 9:43am by Sunny
And while you're at home, "practice" what it will be like when you return to work by committing to some sort of volunteer work or part time deal. Adding a career job back on top of motherhood without a transition is setting yourself up for a tough time.
August 19, 2005 at 3:08pm by roger fulton
Absent from any discussions is someone asking her mate/friend/life companion/HUSBAND for advice, help input. No where in these columns do I hear a woman even mention the idea of turning to her helpmate (if she has one) to even run her feeling about all this, by him. Wassa mattah? Are we not able to connect that closely with the Mr? Closing out his input may not be a good idea. My wife talks to me about everything, sometimes just to talk. I listen. I am reminded of Barbara Walters interview of Mrs Henry Kissinger who is stunningly beautiful woman. Walters asked her politely, "If I walked into a cocktail party, I would not put you and Henry together." (intimating that Mr. K and she wouldn't make a great pair in a wedding photo)
Mrs. Kissinger laughed and said, yes, I know, the reason I married Henry is BECAUSE HE LISTENS TO ME. Good advice for all women out there who wish to seek close by counsel and often forget to check the other side of the bed first.
Roger Fulton
Wharton '68
November 10, 2005 at 8:05pm by Rachel Egan
I could not agree more with Roger Fulton. I recently started the New Parent Transition Program which helps a new parent transition back to work. Very often, I find women are reluctant to share childcare and even household chores with their husband. I stress immediately the necessity to share everything with your partner from the beginning... and I mean everything. If you are breastfeeding - pump your milk so Dad can participate, etc. Sharing child rearing is wonderful for your marriage and your child. So when the baby is screaming in the middle of the night - take Mr. Fulton's advice... roll over, check out the other side of the bed, nudge him awake, and roll right back to sleep!
November 11, 2005 at 3:35am by Margaret Heffernan
Rachel and Roger are both absolutely right. It isn't just that getting support from the father makes life bearable for the mother. It is better for everyone. By contributing more, fathers get more from their families. The marriage does better. THe kids do better. There's some excellent research done by John Gottman at the University of Chiecago that shows that, in marriages where parental tasks are shared, the kids do better in school, with less ADHD and fewer psychological problems, there is higher achievement at school, the wives are happier and healthier and the husbands smoke less, drink less and suffer experience lower rates of depression.
What I find even more heartening is the growing evidence that men are starting to turn down promotions at the same rate as women, for family reasons. This suggests that it is no longer women who will have to deal with the work/life conflict alone. That's true equality.
For men as for women, however, it's important to appreciate that these issues are not just early years issues. They aren't temporary, an interruption for a year or two. They are long term life changes.
March 26, 2007 at 1:36pm by Lisa
While I laud and support the notion that it is ideal to parent in partnership, that is not always an option. As a mother of two young children who works full time in financial services without any help from a father or partner at home, I can tell you that this road would be almost impassable without a salary high enough to cover the cost of child care and household help. I cannot use day care because the hours are not adequate for my work schedule and pay more than 50% of my after tax dollars to my nanny. I have also been told that I cannot advance to the next level because the role would require more than 70 hours a week in the office, which is not an option. As it is, I am away from my children for 13 hours a day and only see them for an hour each day. I have managed to negotiate working one day a week at home, which is a huge help.
In certain male dominated fields like investment banking, there are no softer and gentler options. I could make a career change, but need to earn a minimum amount of money to pay for childcare and expenses. My goal is to run this race while my kids are young and make a change in a few years when I need to be home more.
Every woman that I have seen who has done what I do successfully has support from family, husband or partner. I don't have that and see no clear path. The idea of work/life balance makes me chuckle because it is extremely off-kilter.