The Guide to Business with Earthlings by Offyd Grinipuffs
April 4, 2008
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During the course of our observations we have monitored a variety of company literature, past and present, and have been struck by the number of statements in recent documents which stress the value of trust between customer and supplier, and between members of the same company. It is a fact that organisations where co-workers trust each other are more efficient and happier places than those where the opposite applies, but in reality GLOB and similar companies are spending increasing amounts on strict systems of security checks and counter-checks to ensure that their employees do not rob them blind.*
Ironically our research shows that only a couple of generations ago a hand-shake was often enough to seal an agreement between business people, but now professional and personal relationships with people outside the individual’s immediate team seem to be marked by deep suspicion and the assumption that most fellow humans are prepared to stab you in the back* if you do not protect yourself. Bearing this in mind, the lip-service paid to the importance of trust in business relationships strikes us as surprising.
* rob them blind: not literally. Earthlings do not rob blind people only, they rob almost everyone. Nor does an Earthling turn blind when robbed, though he or she might turn angry.* stab you in the back: not literally. Attacks on competitors or rivals are usually verbal rather than physical (unlike on the planet Thuggg where , for example, promotions are usually decided by mortal combat and one is issued with company-specific body armour when starting a new position.)
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Observation 10
It is difficult to draw the line between work and leisure on Earth. Some humans find the time at work to socialise with colleagues, phone friends or play cards for profit. This naturally interferes negatively with the amount of time they can spend working, but makes for a cheerful workplace which often has higher than average levels of productivity. At the other end of the spectrum, some people work so hard every moment they are at the office or factory that they never have time to talk to colleagues about anything other than their jobs. This group of “live-to-work” employees is generally smaller than the “work-to-live” group, but if for some reason the work-fiends* start to dominate an organisation the consequences are worrying, as stress and absenteeism levels among the workforce as a whole tend to rise. Worryingly, a disproportionate number of the “l-to-w” group become managers.
*work-fiends: term loosely translated from the Blimm language. As you remember such individuals are extremely unpopular on that planet , and if convicted of being one, are sentenced to work an entire Blimm year in a small windowless cell preparing new strategies for selling cooling devices to the inhabitants of the ice-planet Balless.
Observation 11
The word, “passion” is used very frequently in corporate literature and it is regarded as desirable that people are “passionate” about their work. However, our inter-galactic language program, usually very reliable, tells us that the word describes a very strong emotion or intense sexual attraction, neither of which are likely to facilitate clear thinking or rational behaviour. Happily, I have seen little evidence of any of this intensity of emotion at the workplace so far. It appears that, despite it being a highly-esteemed quality in most corporations, most people expend their passions outside the working environment and (judging by what “passionate” humans are capable of) a good thing too.
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Observation 8
It is regarded by Earthlings as rather undignified to admit how seriously they take the issue of status. Nevertheless, all human males know that the individual’s position in the hierarchy is reflected in the size of his desk, the model of his company car, whether he has a secretary, or, in the case of IT professionals the number and sophistication of the electronic gadgets he possesses. In the case of females, most of the above applies (with the exception of the display of shiny devices) but they also indicate their status by their choice of clothes and accessories. In this they are rather like the inhabitants of the planet Groon who can gauge how important a fellow Groonak is by the number and colour of metal rings it wears round its horns.
Observation 9
It is strange that the current emphasis on the value of trust between customer and supplier, and between members of the same company, co-exists with an increasingly strict system of checks and counter-checks. Indeed, professional and personal relationships with people outside the individual’s immediate team seem to be marked by deep suspicion and the assumption that most fellow humans are prepared to rob you blind, if the contrary is not clearly proved. (Ironically our research shows that only a couple of generations ago a hand-shake was often enough to seal an agreement between business people, but at that time people doing business together were more likely to know each other on a personal level.) Bearing this in mind, the lip-service paid to the importance of trust in business relationships strikes us a surprising.
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Observation
It seems strange to many of us from Offyd that so many humans actually want to take on managerial positions. On the home planet of course individuals make regular payments to avoid being given duties where they have to make colleagues do what they do not believe in, enforce decisions they do not agree with, and spend more time and energy at work than with families and friends. Given that even lowly jobs in most terrestrial companies provide the individual with enough money for food, shelter and some simple pleasures (alcohol and television) we can only state, and not for the first time, that in this search for leadership positions, Earthlings seem to act counter-intuitively.
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The way Earthlings do business: some observations by under-cover team
Report number 1
Observation 1
The reasons why some people make it to the top of an organisation are hard to identify. Powerful positions on Earth do not seem to be awarded according to brainpower, superior levels of integrity, the number of languages spoken or size (all criteria used on other planets.) On the other hand, we have already seen that knowing or being related to people already in power, attending high-status colleges and universities , and/or having the ability to inspire trust (whether justified or misplaced) are all useful for potential managers. By the end of the year we hope to be able to draw up a list of ten personal qualities which distinguish top managers from other employees. coffee machine: dispenser of hot brown liquid acting as a mild stimulant. More importantly, a focus for social interaction at the workplace.
Observation 2
Earthlings with extremely high moral standards, and low to average energy levels, would seem to be unsuited to positions at the very top of an organisation. However, energetic people of average intelligence combined with an above-average ability to believe two or more contradictory things at the same time, have a head start.
Observation 3
According to my observations, followers (the people who managers manage) fall into four groups: subversive, passive, false-active, and active.
- subversive: small but dangerous minority who keep a low profile while sabotaging any management initiatives as a point of principle.
- passive: majority of employees to be found in this group. Their attitudes to their superiors fluctuate between mild criticism and mild approval when they bother to think about them at all.
- false-active: They pretend to believe whole-heartedly in whatever happens to be company policy at the time, and form a support structure for the most powerful managers (who have fragile egos and an enormous need for approval, as well as a lurking suspicion of those who provide it.)
- active: They are true believers and quite rare, genuinely believing in the integrity, intelligence and far-sightedness of their leaders. They do not have to be intellectually challenged, though some are, and their capacity for blind devotion seems to be the result of a very special character trait, or alternatively, a mild personality disorder.
Observation 4
Training is seen by management as an important way of helping employees cope with change by enabling them to learn new skills and acquire fresh knowledge. As training is usually quite popular with employees (as it provides a break in routine and a chance to meet people who may be more interesting and attractive than their usual colleagues) it is seen by management as a way of stopping good people from drifting off to work for competitors. Ironically, the training also makes those same people more attractive to competitors who will try to entice highly-training personnel away from their current employers.
Observation 5
Before doing business with Earth-based organisations it is important to identify where the power lies. This is not exclusively where the top managers think it lies – with themselves. People far lower down the company hierarchy have the power to make the daily running of a company grind to a halt. Taking PITS as an example, the following individuals were especially important: the people who issued (or refused to issue) security cards or computer authorisation; invoice clerks, who could decide to delay, almost indefinitely, payment of a bill or a salary; the caretaker, who possessed the key to the cupboard with the special cables which linked laptop computers to projectors.
Observation 6
The emotion of envy is a particularly strong one among Earthlings, and this must be understood before we embark on any trading activities with them. It is usually aroused when an individual sees in someone else something he or she desires, but does not have. (In the case of Earthlings this might be more money or power, a better car, or more hair.) Though it can act as a driving force for change, it has an adverse effect on already low levels of human rationality and can easily destroy otherwise good relationships. Envy is just one of the negative emotions which all humans appear to experience at one time or another. Some of the many others we must be aware of are anger, the desire for revenge, arrogance, etc. They give rise to what we Observers call HN-based problems, and extremely difficult to control and tend to have a negative impact on business.
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March 3, 2008
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Department of Inter-Galactic Trade on Ofydd (DIGTO)
Pre-Trade Observation Initiative (Pretoi): Destination, Earth
Since our last visit thirteen hundred years ago, a remote inspection of life on Earth has revealed that human civilisations have progressed significantly in the areas of trade and commerce. Indeed their social and economic systems are at such a level that we feel that we soon may be able to establish trading links with the inhabitants. There are raw materials found on this planet, as well as certain Earthling-produced commodities, which we feel would find a large market on our own planet of Ofydd.
For this reason we are sending a group of three Observers to make an in-depth reconnaissance of an average Earthling place of work, to see if we can learn more about how humans currently organise their commercial and trading organisations. We also wish to discover more about the thought processes of individual humans, which should help us to decide whether we can risk establishing a relationship with a race which, on earlier visits, has been distinguished by its selfishness, short-sightedness and violence. If the Observers notice significant improvements in human organization and behaviour, we hope to return to Earth in the near future and start trading with the inhabitants.
Earthlings can be rather aggressive, especially when they feel threatened, we have decided that, as in our many previous missions, the observation initiative should take place under cover. To this end and to escape detection the Research and Development department has agreed to reduce the size of the exploratory space shuttle by a factor of 1.5 million and disguise it as a sparrow (a small inconspicuous flying creature common on the planet and totally uninterested in commerce of any kind. )
Our Observers will also shrink in size and will adopt the appearance of small parasites called head lice, which live on the human scalp. (Unfortunately lice are not popular with their human hosts so detection is likely to lead to their removal and hence the instant termination of the mission.) Once in place, the three Observers will operate their thought-probes with the objective of gaining a clear picture of how the human brain functions in a work environment. See if you agree with our observations.
