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Work/Life: It's The Hot New Computer Game - Grand Theft Quality Time IV
| posted by Tom Stern
- Not surprisingly, the latest edition of Grand Theft Auto, the reprehensible yet popular (what, something in America is popular even thought it’s tasteless?) video game has arrived with its share of controversy. Well, such dust-ups will be nothing compared to the outcry that will accompany the upcoming release of the new interactive extravaganza from Stern Enterprises, “Grand Theft Quality Time IV.” In much the same way as GTA gives its users vicarious cheap thrills by allowing them to indulge in unpleasant car-related behavior in which they don’t usually indulge, GTQT lets people who are trying to be good little work/life balance practitioners run an obstacle course of ill-advised offerings. Here are just a few of the highlights of this exciting new game:
- The storyline follows Werk A. Holic, an unrepentant mover and shaker as he navigates through the seamy underbelly of a rain-soaked metropolis called TimeSuck.
- Players assuming the role of Werk must attempt to veer off into the city of TimeSuck’s many distractions, including the deadly presence of readily available wi-fi, and office buildings that have their own food courts, while taking calls from family members whom they assure they will be right home.
- Deep in the bowels of TimeSuck lies the village of iPhone. Here, the challenge is to avoid being decapitated by a variety of passing hazards (glass panel trucks, pedestrians who happen to be strolling by with rotary saws, etc.) while walking around you’re your head down because you are constantly interacting only with your iPhone. Bonus work/life destruction points awarded for making it to the other side of iPhone village with your head still attached.
- Celebrity cameos include the likenesses of Tony Robbins and Suze Orman, who, while inspiring you to even further achievement-related success, also happen to be naked. (The game company made me put that in.)
- Finally, Emotion Alley provides the most terrifying set piece in all of GTQT. It uses a built-in tool that allows the player to insert the heads of family members and loved ones, even the family dog, onto the bodies of oncoming “affection-seekers.” These affection- seekers stumble toward you like zombies, crying out for an evening in, a weekend away, your appearance at a school play or any number of things that put demands on your non-work time. To survive Emotion Alley you have to run as fast as you can past these pitiful pleas for human (or animal) contact, and then punctuate your ignoring of their needs by attending a different Power Point presentation on morale for every loved one you neglect. If you’re playing the game right, this particular portal should culminate in your being institutionalized.
- So, whaddaya say…you game?
