From Kindergarten to the Boardroom

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Tom Stern

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Where do you see yourself in five years?
On a pony.

Why did you leave your last job?
They were poopy heads.

Do you consider yourself a team player?
Yes, as long as it doesn’t involve anyone else.

It has been posited that the pressure on kindergartners to succeed stems from their getting an earlier introduction to basic skills due to the prevalence of day care over the last several decades; a service necessitated by the staggering amount of households in which both parents work. It is assumed, then, that kids will get the play out of their system earlier and come to kindergarten ready to kick butt. We’re in Romper Room, and we’re already preparing kids for the boardroom. Soon playground conversation will sound like this: “Jimmy, I really appreciate you backing me up during dodgeball, and I understand how the Elmer’s Glue on your fingers compromised your dexterity during pick-up-sticks, but after what will heretofore be known as ‘the hopscotch debacle,” and your total lack of hand-eye synchronization during ‘Hot Cross Buns,’ I’m afraid to say you are no longer needed as Vice-President of Play-Doh procurement.”

And all because mommy and daddy need to leave the little ones somewhere for the day so they can try to claim their piece of the American Dream in an increasingly difficult economy. All our hard work, it seems, has led to our kids being raised in a culture of achievement-obsession. A distant memory are the days of our childhood, when one’s greatest achievement was simultaneously pulling pigtails, making mudpies, and eating paste while humming the theme song to the Patty Duke Show. Oh well, times have changed and normally I would say all these cross-generational discrepancies are ironic, except that if my five-year old doesn’t shape up and pass that kindergarten interview, she can forget about ever listing me as a reference.