The Three Keys to Change

I wrote this book because I believe passionately in this idea. My mission is to replace those three misconceptions about change--our trust in facts, fear, and force (the three Fs)--with what I call "the three keys to change." In the pages that follow I'll introduce you to Mimi Silbert, Dean Ornish, and many others who have come upon the "missing links" of changing behavior. To make sense of these astonishing examples, I'll draw on ideas that have emerged from psychology, cognitive science, linguistics, and neuroscience. I'll show the paradoxical ways in which profound change happens and how we can deliberately influence and inspire change in our own lives, the lives of the people around us, and the lives of our organizations. I'll argue that change can occur with surprising speed and that change can endure.

From the start I want to make it clear that I'm not focusing on how people change on their own. Much of the time, change comes naturally to us. We experiment. We get excited by new ideas and new directions. We learn from experience. We grow and mature. We respond to the new demands of each new stage of our lives, such as college, career, marriage, and parenthood. When we're troubled or distressed and find that our usual solutions aren't working any longer, no matter how hard we try, we seek out new approaches until something works. In Heartbreak Ridge Clint Eastwood plays a Marine sergeant who tells his platoon that their motto must be to "adapt, improvise, and overcome," and that's what the rest of us do in real life too. Granted, some people are more adept than others--more resilient, tenacious, or creative--but basically we're all this way. Change often seems to become harder as we get older, but neuroscientists say that there are certain things we can do to sharpen our skillfulness at change as life progresses, and that's what I'll look at later on.

But my main topic is how to change when change isn't coming naturally: when the difficulties stubbornly persist. When you're stuck. When you've tried again and again to overcome problems and all your efforts have failed and the situation appears hopeless or you seem to be powerless. When any reasonable person would think it's an impossible fix. That's what this book is about. I'm going to start by looking in-depth at the three "impossible" cases I've brought up so far--heart patients, drug- addicted criminals, and rebellious autoworkers. As I explain these cases I'll introduce a number of psychological concepts and put more flesh on the bones of a master theory of change. First, though, you need to know the bare bones. This is just a first pass, and these ideas shouldn't make much sense yet. They will become much clearer once we go through the real-world examples. But here, for starters, are the three keys to change, which I call the three Rs: relate, repeat, and reframe.

THE FIRST KEY TO CHANGE

Relate

You form a new, emotional relationship with a person or community that inspires and sustains hope. If you face a situation that a reasonable person would consider "hopeless," you need the influence of seemingly "unreasonable" people to restore your hope--to make you believe that you can change and expect that you will change. This is an act of persuasion--really, it's "selling." The leader or community has to sell you on yourself and make you believe you have the ability to change. They have to sell you on themselves as your partners, mentors, role models, or sources of new knowledge. And they have to sell you on the specific methods or strategies that they employ.

THE SECOND KEY TO CHANGE

Repeat

The new relationship helps you learn, practice, and master the new habits and skills that you'll need. It takes a lot of repetition over time before new patterns of behavior become automatic and seem natural--until you act the new way without even thinking about it. It helps tremendously to have a good teacher, coach, or mentor to give you guidance, encouragement, and direction along the way. Change doesn't involve just "selling"; it requires "training."

THE THIRD KEY TO CHANGE

Reframe

The new relationship helps you learn new ways of thinking about your situation and your life. Ultimately, you look at the world in a way that would have been so foreign to you that it wouldn't have made any sense before you changed.

These are the three keys to change: relate, repeat, and reframe. New hope, new skills, and new thinking.

This may sound simple at first, but let me assure you that it's not. Just look at the three examples I've brought up so far: The people who run the health care establishment still don't understand these concepts. Nor do the people who run the criminal justice system. Nor do most of the people who run America's major corporations.