Fast Company

Cubicle Dweller Humor

An amusing little book just came across my desk: "Fire me, please! 101 Ways to Get Fired from Your Miserable Job." Written by David Cordell, whose daydreaming during business meetings produced these musings, the book's premise is a riot even if it reflects a bit of sick humor. As for Cordell, he has been fired once and in his "about the author" section it's noted that he loves crispy bacon.

His Top Ten ways to get fired?

  • Wear an Easter bunny costume and offer the CEO free pictures on your lap.
  • Stroll through the office dressed like a 70"s style pimp. Demand everyone call you "Big Daddy."
  • Show up to work wearing a ninja costume. Try some ninja moves on a client.
  • Wear a fake mustache and convince your supervisor you're a twin brother from France.
  • Dress like "Miserable the Clown" and perform a fake kids show.
  • Wear your underwear on your head. Tell management it's a new way to cure migraine headaches.
  • Dress up like a pro-wrestler and verbally challenge your boss to an office death match for a raise.
  • Dress like a football player and tackle everyone in sight.
  • Dress lik a superhero and call yourself Captain Copier. Defend the office copier from all that is to be copied.
  • Wear a tie without a shirt. Play it off like it's no big deal.

Feel free to add your own suggestions.

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9 Comments

  • Cherokee American

    A poem about working in a cubicle

    Cubicle Commando

    Commanding from my cubicle there's room to be creative with my push pins
    Commanding from my cubicle sitting opposite the door
    Commanding from my cubicle IT department Nazi’s monitor my email
    Commanding from my cubicle in my “Office in an hour l-shaped workstation”
    Commanding from my cubicle somewhere defined benefit replaced defined contribution
    Commanding from my cubicle the clock counts down the days to retirement
    Commanding from my cubicle the dehumanizing glory of office efficiency
    Commanding from my cubicle I am a cube farmer in a cube farm
    Commanding from my cubicle doing the antithesis of what I love
    Commanding from my cubicle I hope no one loads my inbox
    Commanding from my cubicle I try to do at least 15 minutes of real work a week
    Commanding from my cubicle I am the cubicle sentinel
    Commanding from my cubicle I will block out the obnoxious overhead fluorescent lights
    Commanding from my cubicle I flip the screen so as not to get caught goofing off
    Commanding from my cubicle I’d like to grab my boss by the hair
    Commanding from my cubicle in a beige cage
    Commanding from my cubicle a few feet of fabric-covered wall space
    Commanding from my cubicle I'm actually writing this in a double-wide cube
    Commanding from my cubicle I’m part of the savings that accrue from jamming employees into cubes
    Commanding from my cubicle penned in by heavily used filing cabinets
    Commanding from my cubicle I smell catfish in the break room microwave
    Commanding from my cubicle I wish I had some air freshener
    Commanding from my cubicle my cube once served as the shelf for the coffee pot
    Commanding from my cubicle I am the cube's denizen
    Commanding from my cubicle I can keep an eye on what the little toad is doing in his office
    Commanding from my cubicle I’d like to catch the boss picking his nose
    Commanding from my cubicle I’d like to pelt my unsuspecting cubicle neighbor when he makes too much noise
    Commanding from my cubicle inside my narrow cubicle entrance
    Commanding from my cubicle yesterday I noticed they received the cubicles for the new employees, ahead of schedule
    Commanding from my cubicle the corporate buzz-word is synergize
    Commanding from my cubicle I’m in a cubeinabox
    Commanding from my cubicle I came back from a meeting to find my furniture gone
    Commanding from my cubicle I waited an hour before someone told me I'd been moved Commanding from my cubicle which represents the soullessness of office life
    Commanding from my cubicle long ago someone took the “person” out of personnel
    Commanding from my cubicle to them I’m a resource, not a person
    Commanding from my cubicle they try to brainwash me
    Commanding from my cubicle they say performance leads to employee satisfaction.
    Commanding from my cubicle I know satisfaction would lead to better performance

    Commanding from my cubicle I’m a knife-thrower’s assistant
    Commanding from my cubicle I’m an oarsmen on an ancient sailing vessel propelling the company forward
    Commanding from my cubicle a junior minion, a denizen, a company “video store clerk”
    Commanding from my cubicle a cubicle dozer, a rogue drone
    Commanding from my cubicle I report to deputies in the 8’th floor cubicle farm
    Commanding from my cubicle invented by Robert Propst, a designer from Colorado

    by Cherokee American

  • Doug

    I didn't get fired but did take some heat – my apologies if that doesn't qualify for this fine blog. I was working around the clock during a crazy time at the office and decided to have a little fun on my answering machine at home. "Hi, you've reached Doug's answering machine. You're welcome to leave a message for him if you like, but I'm beginning to think he's a figment of my imagination. He's never here. He's always there." When my boss called on a Saturday to try to figure out why I wasn't in the office yet, she wasn't amused. Nothing is more painful than the truth I guess.

  • pete

    True story- how to get yourself fired.
    At a company conference ring up the CEO and invite him over to your room for a drink- at 3.30am in morning!
    Once he arrives tell him everything wrong with his company is because he is a mentally challenged, right wing shitbag, attack his religion as 12th century hogwash and a sop to his conscience while he screwed his employs- sleep in and miss his showpiece presentation the next morning.
    He was more upset about me missing the speech....

  • JonO

    It's good. Nice blog. Keep it up. For moron information, visit pooja and jack at ilikelittleboys.com. I am ad. Did I surprise? How about now do I surprise. JO-5) At any given opportunity throughout your workday, make fun of people who are different, and do it in the deplorable ways imaginable. Such as claiming a coworker owns the site, ilikelittleboys.com

  • JonO

    JO-4) At home, without disguising your voice, create a really bad acapella jingle celebrating the top of the hour. Like: "It's the top of another hour/I'm here to say it's the hour/Another hour's come today/And I'm stuck at this desk again." Obtain or set up a chiming software and put the jingle on your boss's computer while he's out at lunch. Be sure to note how many times you hear the chime before you're asked to leave.

  • JonO

    JO-3) Stay at your store or office through Friday night until 5 a.m., writing ridiculous weblog entries with yourself clearly attributed; print and post them by the coffee machine.

    Go home to clean up, and arrive terribly late for your despised Saturday overtime work. When people comment to you on the printout, loudly deny it and accuse the most superior person in the office at the time of doing it. When they react, use the "No mas" line from JO-2 (above). You shouldn't see Monday.

  • JonO

    JO-2) Each day of a week progressively neglect to put on required (expected) articles of clothing. On Monday, leave off something subtle, like socks or underwear; tell people that you aren't wearing it. When your boss speaks with you, nod and say in your worst fake Hispanic accent (even if you're Hispanic!) "No mas, el diablo! No mas!" You'll probably only last to Wednesday. If you make it to Friday, and show up without socks, shoes, underwear, a shirt/blouse and belt, you've made a huge mistake! You don't want to leave that company! APOLOGISE PROFUSELY! You could smuther your boss and still take a paycheck from a place like that!

  • JonO

    JO-1) Use the office intercom, speaking too close to the mic, in a garbled voice, announcing the stops along an imaginary subway line, using the names of your superiors for the stops. Do it every hour on the hour, no matter if you are in a meeting or with a client, when the time comes.

  • JonO

    This one falls under Getting Fired Idea #688 (spells "nut" on your phone), "Why work at it? Since you work with a least one busy-body snitch, and/or power-hungry cretin, so throw them a bone and let them get you fired."

    The plot is my personal story, as I cannot make this up: You may be amazed at the results from this, should you try it. My story grew from a simple rumor to outright falsities being treated as evidence that is now apparently a part of my record with the state. I was fired from an international print and business services company for having the company logo on my personal website. However, this was untrue, as I had only the name of the company, not in the company typestyle, even, merely as a point of pride since I worked there. How much more innocent could it have been?

    There was nothing untoward about the name being there: You clicked on it and it went to their website, just like any external site link on my web site. (I don't recall being ratted out for any of my other links. Even while employed by other companies, whose websites similarly were linked to from my site.) In the time that progressed from my being put on leave to my being fired, about four days, thanks to the weekend, I was asked to confirm or deny the following: the company logo was on my site, and when clicked it led the clicker to sending email to my personal address; the company logo was on my site, and when clicked it went to another part of my site, where I offered the same services as the international company, thus I was actually competing with them. (Did I mention that I have 300 arms and eyes, and 150 brains that can work independently from one another?) Despite the fact that the logo was never there, and the name was linked only to their site, I was fired.

    This firing was rooted in the busy-body, snitching practices of the store's accountant, who in the past had actually gotten the store's effective and well-liked manager in trouble with the company, too, with her overactive nose. She saw the link on my site, and somehow decided this was an attack on her personally or something, so made claims to the company that were never sorted into any kind of truth. I was simply fired.

    The truth being inconsequential to my being fired didn't end there, however. While I never, ever had the company logo on my site, somehow the company convinced a state unemployment benefits rep that I had, and I was denied any benefits for -- I have it in writing -- "wanton" disregard of the employment rules of the company that had fired me, based the a "preponderance of evidence" presented to the state. However, the only thing cited as evidence in this finding was my having the company logo on my site.

    What was wrong with this? First, my site was not a business site, while parts of it showed off my skills as it had for years. I made no money -- still haven't made any money -- with the site, not even as a reference for clients. It was a vanity site, showing off all kinds of work I'd done for roughly eight years, in a variety of media, from photography to writing to illustration and design. Plus, it had personal pages, like photos and a goofy bio with links to my birth state's site, etc. It was a personal site. All I can say is, now I wish that I had put their logo on my site! That would have taught them, huh? (Probably could have brought the whole company down by putting their logo on my site!)