Candy Dish Owners Lead the Sweet Life

As you can imagine, we get a lot of really swell treats from PR firms around here. This week alone has seen some real doozies. There's was the one-pound replica of human fat, complete with embedded blood stains (designed, ostensibly, as a gruesome reminder for overeaters to "watch what you eat"). Then there was the Star Wars DVD case that, as it turned out, included little more than some press documents about a Star Wars playing card set.

And, to top it off, Life Savers candy sent us a nifty apple-shaped candy dish (though the base is unexplainably large for the tiny amount of candy it holds, but I digress). Sure, it was great to get some sweets, but the real treat was getting to read the accompanying press release.

Apparently, the secret to a fulfilling life has nothing to do with Steven Covey, God, or Cheese that gets Moved. It's all about having candy on your desk. Here are a few tasty morsels from the PR write-up on candy dishes:

  • "Offering up a sweet treat from the office candy dish is more than just a nice gesture to co-workers--the dish may also serve as 'the new water cooler,' business tool and even a dating service, according to a new survey."
  • "The survey found that while 26% of candy dish owners share office gossip over sweet treats at the candy dish, dish distractions aren't an issue [Thank God, snark added by FC]. Candy dish owners believe they are more organized (46% versus 32% of non-candy dish owners), hard working (63% of candy dish owners consider themselves hard working, versus 37% of their non-candy dish counterparts [Are we on another planet?, FC commentary again], creative (64% versus 46% without a candy dish in the office) and more likely to be team leaders (55% versus 40% of those without a candy dish in the office).
  • "The delicious data further revealed that those who dish out candy on a regular basus are most likely to be female (69%), Republican (41%), married (56%) and twice as likely as non-candy dish owners to say they were extremely satisfied with their current job [In other words, borderline psychotic suburban women stuck in loveless marriages on a middling path to nowhere, interpretation added]."
  • "The survey also found that there are many 'bonuses' to being a candy dish owner--not only are candy dish owners perceived to be more friendly (41%), more candy dish owners also received a financial bonus in the past year (43%) than non-candy dish owners (37%). While we know of no company that requires candy dishes as part of a job description [My God! Could this be right!?], sixty percent of survey respondents with candy dishes also reported that they received a raise last year, while 49% of non candy-dish owners reported getting a raise over the same period."
  • "The survey also found that even Cupid swings by the candy dish every now and then. Men seem to be the target of Cupid's bow--men are twice as likely to get asked out on a date while dishing it up. Considering that 69% of candy dish owners are female, it isn't surprising that 6% of men use a visit to the candy dish as an opportunity to flirt with co-workers."

Well, hells bells, I must be doing something wrong then. I've had this candy dish on my desk all week and not only did I become even less organized, less hardworking, and less creative (hey, I caught a head cold), I didn't get a bonus, nor have I flirted or been flirted with. Maybe next week I should fill it with the fake fat and see if that gives it a kick start.

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