The Company has long appreciated the connection between a well-designed workplace and exemplary productivity. To that end, we are pleased to announce highlights of a new Design for Efficiency program to be phased in over the next year (as funding and local permitting allow).
The Double Desker: Careful study of our current floor plan reveals a vast amount of unused space between the tops of existing cubicles and the ceiling. So that this real estate no longer lies fallow, a second layer of cubicles will be built atop existing work spaces in the next few months. Construction logistics are to be determined.
Wall decor: In an effort to add a splash of color to employees' workdays, the Company is selling wall space to local and national advertisers. To date, deals have been closed with Campbell's Soup for its single-servings line and with Eli Lilly's "feel good" family of products, Prozac and Cialis.
Food service: Break rooms -- which, incidentally, are not used to full capacity at all hours -- foster an unhealthy environment where employees can gather and speak candidly out of supervisors' earshot. To address this problem, break rooms will be adapted to accommodate additional double-desker configurations. In their place, pushcart food vendors will travel the corridors twice each day. (The executive dining room will, for the time being, remain open.)
Incentive offices: To foster ambition among junior employees, offices for top managers will be outfitted with state-of-the-art amenities that include private bathrooms, full wet bars, and panoramic views of the executive pitch-and-putt golf course.
"Green me": The Company takes conservation seriously. In an effort to spur energy savings, heating and cooling systems will operate only between the peak work hours of 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. Lights will be dimmed to 50% of capacity and, to prevent heat loss, windows not located in incentive offices will be plastered over.