Diversity means more than just abiding by a set of severely constrictive guidelines mandated by numerous EEOC settlements. Diversity is a way of life that the Company fully embraces. In accordance with the outcome of our latest "litigation event," we have developed these guidelines.
Hiring/Promotion: The Company recognizes that attracting and retaining the best talent possible is key to competing globally. To that end, managers are encouraged to make hiring and promotion decisions via a blind selection process commonly known as "eenie, meenie, minie, moe."
Mentoring: We are committed to creating a culture where all employees can contribute their unique talents. We understand that certain outstanding employees may yet need assistance "fitting in." For them, we have contracted with a well-regarded global provider whose qualified offshore mentors are available by phone or email. A nominal deductible applies to this benefit.
Enforcement: Employees need to trust that they have a place to turn in the unlikely event of actual discrimination. Colleagues who believe they are victims should refrain from contacting their own counsel; our corporate attorneys have significant experience in this area and will be pleased to put the matter to rest.
Multiculturalism: Effective immediately, the CEO's Friday afternoon "Kegs 'n' Legs" parties will feature Apprentice-like tasks pitting diverse teams -- Asians versus Caucasians, say, or Christians versus Muslims -- against each other. We hope such activities will engender new levels of mutual understanding. Failure to participate may result in harsh disciplinary action.
Leadership: The tone for tolerance is set at the top. We are therefore proud to announce that two sought-after executives, Martha Stewart and Franklin Raines, have agreed to join the board as our first "diverse" directors. They'll be at a future "Kegs 'n' Legs"; please make them feel at home.