Click here to preview the new Fast Company

Want to try out the new

If you’d like to return to the previous design, click the yellow button on the lower left corner.

Office Handbook

Chapter 44: Diversity

Diversity means more than just abiding by a set of severely constrictive guidelines mandated by numerous EEOC settlements. Diversity is a way of life that the Company fully embraces. In accordance with the outcome of our latest "litigation event," we have developed these guidelines.

Hiring/Promotion: The Company recognizes that attracting and retaining the best talent possible is key to competing globally. To that end, managers are encouraged to make hiring and promotion decisions via a blind selection process commonly known as "eenie, meenie, minie, moe."

Mentoring: We are committed to creating a culture where all employees can contribute their unique talents. We understand that certain outstanding employees may yet need assistance "fitting in." For them, we have contracted with a well-regarded global provider whose qualified offshore mentors are available by phone or email. A nominal deductible applies to this benefit.

Enforcement: Employees need to trust that they have a place to turn in the unlikely event of actual discrimination. Colleagues who believe they are victims should refrain from contacting their own counsel; our corporate attorneys have significant experience in this area and will be pleased to put the matter to rest.

Multiculturalism: Effective immediately, the CEO's Friday afternoon "Kegs 'n' Legs" parties will feature Apprentice-like tasks pitting diverse teams — Asians versus Caucasians, say, or Christians versus Muslims — against each other. We hope such activities will engender new levels of mutual understanding. Failure to participate may result in harsh disciplinary action.

Leadership: The tone for tolerance is set at the top. We are therefore proud to announce that two sought-after executives, Martha Stewart and Franklin Raines, have agreed to join the board as our first "diverse" directors. They'll be at a future "Kegs 'n' Legs"; please make them feel at home.

Add New Comment