Office Handbook

Performance reviews, Trump-style.

Congratulations! After a highly successful year, the Compensation Committee has set aside 0.25% of net income above budget for performance-based bonuses. To qualify, please complete the following self-evaluation.

  1. Describe your work style (circle one): (a) solid contributor; (b) ambitious backstabber; (c) deadweight buying time until layoffs.
  2. Assess your physical appearance. Men should list height, weight, and percentage of hair loss; women must include chest and waist size, along with a recent photo.
  3. What is your favorite color? (Technically, there are no wrong answers. But we'll see what our consulting psychologist says.)
  4. List three people you think should be fired and why.
  5. Describe any conditions that may require you to make claims on the company health plan in the next year. Would you be willing to submit a DNA sample?
  6. List any reasons (e.g., children, having a life) that would prevent you from working 80-hour weeks.
  7. Women: Specify the approximate date you plan to bear offspring.
  8. List three things you've done over the past six months that could get you fired. (Include capital crimes on HR Form 27-A.)
  9. Would you break the law for the company? Specify which felonies you would be willing to commit. Approximately how many years would you gladly serve for a work-related conviction?
  10. If the building were on fire and you could save only three people, who would they be? (Consider the value of management to your career prospects.)

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