In the course of your work, you may find it necessary to steal items from the office. This phenomenon is factored into the cost of doing business. Still, the Company requests that you adhere to the following guidelines.
Office Supplies: In general, you may take all the small items you can carry. These include paper clips, thumbtacks, staples, pens, and Post-it Notes. Larger items such as copy paper, staplers, and calculators should be taken one at a time and no more than once per quarter.
Computer Equipment: Abandoned computers and monitors (if not bolted down) are considered fair game one week after their former users have left the Company's employ. Premature looting may result in harsh disciplinary action.
Furniture: Bulkier items such as lamps, chairs, and filing equipment should be removed at night or on weekends. The Company actively encourages such theft immediately following the annual holiday layoffs. Security staff will assist employees upon production of company IDs.
Bathroom Items: Only paper towels are freely available for take-home use. While toilet paper may be removed on a sheet-by-sheet basis, please refrain from breaking the locks used to secure megarolls. In cases where megarolls are immediately required, contact the Employee Assistance Program.
Foodstuffs: Coffee and sugar packets are acceptable targets for theft. Pricier items such as milk or 5-gallon jugs of spring water are available, subject to your supervisor's authorization. Under no circumstances, however, may coworkers' lunch leftovers be removed from the employee refrigerator; such action will result in immediate dismissal.