We at e-conjob.com would like to extend our congratulations -- a bit belatedly -- to gazillionaire pension-fund manager and trailblazing civilian astronaut Dennis "Buzz" Tito, who, for a mere $20 million, recently enjoyed a week of orbital spaceflight aboard the Russian-manned International Space Station. Kudos, Buzz! Not only did you single-handedly bail out the Russian space program by paying it for the pleasure of your company, but you also became a role model for old rich guys by reminding us that the point of having more money than God is to spend it fulfilling childhood dreams. And not just any childhood dreams! Buying a sports franchise in order to be able to hang out with the jocks is so . . . over! It's time to take truly world-class narcissism to new, out-of-this-world heights.
Hey, not everyone who was associated with the dotcom crash is currently folding T-shirts at the Gap! Many people did get filthy rich. Thus, e-conjob.com now finds itself in the rewarding business of making dreams come true. Think of it as a Make-A-Wish Foundation for emotionally stunted rich guys: the Buy-A-Wish Foundation. Here are some offerings from our catalog.
Private Training With Tiger Woods at Sea of Tranquility Inn and Spa
Where: The moon
Activities: Tee off under the stars (and over the earth) with golf pro Tiger Woods at "moon-famous" Sea of Tranquility links.
Degree of Difficulty: Hard part: hitting the golf ball. Easy part: watching it fly in zero-gravity environment.
Cost: $60 million, with a percentage donated to Nike's "Just Orbit It" program for inner-city children
Trip Notes: So Tito was the first in orbit? Who cares! Be the first to break par in space! How cool is that?
Double-Naught Agent-Espionage Sampler
Where: An unidentified third-world country
Activities: Drive a missile-equipped sports car through narrow streets, and enjoy tasty interludes with foreign agents of the opposite sex who try to snap your neck as you reach for the chilled champagne.
Dates: Three weeks to life in prison without parole
Degree of Difficulty: Mission: Impossible (Duh!)
Cost: Get $30 million in gold bullion, await instructions.
Trip Notes: You can expect plenty of witty banter with other agents -- so work on your bad puns and punch lines!
The "Get Your Bravos at Davos" Heavyweight Championship Bout
Where:Exhibition Hall, Davos, Switzerland
Activities: You pick the CEO you've been dying to punch out, then square off in a CEO smackdown at the annual Davos gathering of global pooh-bahs!
Degree of Difficulty: Hey, it all depends on which CEO you pick: You want to go toe-to-toe with Lou "The Assassin" Gerstner -- or Bill "Sweetness" Gates?
Cost: You guarantee the $45 million gate. (But you can win some of it back with a few well-placed side bets.)
Highlights: Don King acts as your cornerman. Plus: A chance to touch his hair!
Trip Notes: Think Rocky meets Wall Street Week. Got it? Good. Now remember to pack smelling salts.
This is the latest episode in the Spy's continuing saga, "Working Behind Enemy Lines." You can find the entire Spy chronicles on the Web (www.askthespy.com).