The Post-Bedtime Ritual Of Successful Working Parents

Almost half of high-earning working parents regularly burn the midnight oil to get to a full-time week. Is it sustainable?

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I am writing this essay at 9 p.m. That’s not unusual for me. I write and edit a lot of things at odd hours. I started working this way when my first kid was born seven and a half years ago, and now as I’m expecting my fourth, it’s become the rhythm of my life. Working a "split shift"—some during the day, and some at night—lets me work long hours and still do family dinners and play with my kids. As I talk to other working parents, I’ve become increasingly convinced that this modern version of a second shift is far from crazy. Indeed, it’s often the key to that alleged impossibility: having it all.

This is really a matter of work/life math. While we could all be more productive during the 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. workday, when you add small people and a household into your life, these 40 hours are rarely a true 40 hours. In the past few weeks, I’ve had a doctor’s appointment and so have my kids. I had to get new tires on my car. I went to a Halloween parade. My 7-year-old had a morning off from school when we didn’t have a sitter. I transported another kid to a post-school playdate. We had a new dishwasher delivered and installed during an 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. window. My husband and I split many duties, but even if I kept my nose to the grindstone during every non-interrupted minute, it would be hard to work more than 30-35 hours during the classic workweek 40. Indeed, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ American Time Use Survey, the average married mother with kids under age 6 and a full-time job logs just 33.88 hours of work and work-related activities per week. That doesn’t even meet the technical definition of full-time, which is more than 35 hours a week).

It would be nice if some productivity trick could let you do as much in 34 hours as you could in, say, 45, but in the long run, that’s unlikely. In any case, working 45 hours is more likely to lead to the kind of paycheck that can support a family. Warren Farrell, author of Why Men Earn More, has calculated from census data that people working 45 hours per week earn more than twice as much as those who work 34 hours per week.

To meet my income and career-advancement goals, I generally need to work 45-50 hours per week. If I can only log 35 hours by working until 5:30 p.m. most days, I have a few choices. I could keep working every night until 8:30 p.m. and not see my kids. Or I could stop work at 5:30 p.m., hang out with my family until 8:30 p.m., and then get back to work.

So that’s what I do. I’m far from the only one. I recently completed a time diary study of 1001 days in the lives of professional women and their families while researching a book. All these women earned six figures and had kids at home. They worked, on average, 44 hours per week, despite the presence of dentist appointments, preschool volunteer shifts, and the like. About 45% made this work by doing a split shift like mine. In some extreme cases, I saw women leaving work around 3:30 p.m. to get their kids at school, and then scheduling conference calls (often with people in other time zones) from 8-10:30 p.m. They weren’t just catching up on email. They had literally moved the latter chunk of their workdays to the night.

Of course, if I saw this strategy in 45% of time logs, that means that 55% of high-earning moms didn’t do it. Some kinds of work don’t lend itself to this; if you’re doing procedures on patients, you’re probably not going to schedule one for 9 p.m. A split shift requires doing work that can be moved around on dimensions of time and place.

Some people were also just philosophically opposed, which I understand. There’s a certain simplicity when work is work and home is home, and never the twain shall meet. Split shifts cut into leisure time and, if you’re not careful, sleep. Since I usually work from 8:30-10:30 p.m., and I rarely watch TV. I’m fine with that tradeoff, but not everyone is. Since I write for a living, I have an adequate creative outlet. But if I had an office job, I might want to knit or scrapbook at night. My husband generally does a split shift too, but if he worked fewer hours, he might reasonably expect me to spend a bigger chunk of my late nights with him.

There are ways around these problems, though. I’ve started arranging our childcare so I can work through the evening at least one night per week. If I work until 7:30 p.m., then I can often relax that night instead of going back to work. As my kids get older, they sometimes sleep in on weekends. That means I can get up early on those days and use that time (at least until the baby arrives). Two hours on Saturday morning is one split shift I don’t have to work on a weeknight.

But overall, this schedule is a great tool in the work/life toolbox. Sending emails at 9:30 p.m. gets a bad rep, but next time you get such a missive, don’t assume you have a workaholic on your hands. You’re probably just working with someone who’s found a way to get it all done.

[Photo: Flickr user Matteo Bagnoli]

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22 Comments

  • Ryan Winkler

    This article really resonated with me - it's something I just started doing to keep up once my first son was born, and now that I have two of them, it's especially necessary. Not sure why some commenters expect such a specific article to acknowledge or cater to a broader audience and address completely different topics than the one the article is actually about, but while it is conventional in some jobs to work a split shift, it was particularly unconventional to work one in professional/business environments until recently it seems. And re: never having downtime - actually having the split shift allows me to "put it away" during my time with the kids. I know I will return to it later, so I don't have to stress that I am missing something in the interim.

  • This sounds horrible to me because there's almost no downtime. Every minute is accounted for and scheduled and everything seems very tightly held. The focus is on financial/career goals. It'll all be worth it some day! I realize that's the way it is for a lot of people—including, right now, myself. But I wouldn't hold it as an example of a life well lived. Can she sit in the park without telescoping something else into the experience? Does she have time to just, like, relax? This feels like a good recipe for the collapse of the middle-class through sheer exhaustion. Who could keep this up without health effects?
  • bcastle

    What a great article! This is my life. I run my own consulting business from home with clients across the world. In some ways, it is great because I set my own hours and frequently schedule calls at 5:30 or 6 am with clients in Europe and 10 pm with clients in Asia. In between, I get the kids ready for school, pick them up for school, coach sports, and do the grocery shopping. The drawback is my work day is broken up into many 2-3 hour segments and I frequently end up working until mid-night. I'm not sure if there is an alternative and I probably wouldn't trade the flexibility, but it is reassuring that I'm not alone. One strategy I use is not respond to e-mails (even if I look at them) after a certain point because then I can't get trapped in an e-mail conversation or asked to do something when I'm about to go to bed.

  • vkmurty

    I was thrilled to read this article as it demonstrates a few things for me. -- How important it is to get a degree that will give you the flexibility to maintain a flex schedule --The determination to make it work sacrificing a few fun things in life like watching TV etc. --Yet acknowledging the role a woman plays in keeping the family together. If only we can get a legislation passed for all households that have a child from newborn to fourteen to have one parent be allowed to work from 9am to 2pm only including factoring the summers & the school days off, we will have healthier families & happier kids.
  • colman.murphy

    Once again the image of my own uniqueness is shattered. Ditto the comment from the working dad below. If there is an upside, it's that I get the undivided attention of my London-based boss when I'm online at 11pm California time!
  • colman.murphy

    Once again the image of my own uniqueness is shattered by reality. Ditto the comment from the working dad below. If there is an upside, it's that I get the undivided attention of my London-based boss when I'm online at 11pm California time!
  • camillebd

    I do this in times of great need (i.e. work emergencies, extremely pressing deadlines) but can’t do it regularly: my evenings are just too short to include work + a buffer zone to unwind before bed + an early enough bedtime that I get the sleep I need (especially these days as I’m expecting child #2).

    I wish I could feel energized and happy on less sleep — my husband can and often works late into the night — but the truth is anything less than 8 hours and I feel miserable, so I have to make do with my biorhythm and be extra productive during "official" work hours.
  • Joanna Hurley

    You're not the only one who needs 8 hours. I know Laura has stated in the past that she's more like 7 hours. :)

  • Really enjoyed the article and it describes me to a tee, except that I am a dad of 4 (all 10 and under). I would have loved to see something about the number of dads doing the 2 shift thing.... It's always nice to know you are not the only (crazy) one!

  • Brandy Faulkner

    I'm confused by this blog. Does this woman think she's invented something that's been around since the dawn of time, or is she bragging about being able to do it from home while earning six figures? And where, exactly, are these 6-figure, work-from-home jobs? Working odd hours, massively long days and split shifts in order to be with your kids is not a new concept. Ask any restaurant worker, hospitality worker, Wal-Mart worker or pretty much any parent on planet Earth. I highly recommend that this author leave the house, and her bubble, to understand how clueless (and honestly, "white privilege") this blog post sounds.
  • Kim Webb Palacios

    White privilege? I am black. I work a six-figure job, and I work from home. I work from 8AM to 3PM, then pick up my kids, take them to doctors, music lessons, playdates, errands, and hang out with them and my husband until the kids go to bed at 9. Then I get in a couple of hours of work before bed.

    Believe me, I know that white privilege is real. But this isn't an article about privilege. This is an article about how some women who are knowledge workers make it all work. "Knowledge workers" are called that because all they really need to do their jobs is their brains--not their physical presence. So, yes, Wal Mart workers, restaurant workers, etc. do not apply.
  • Ana Brgo

    You know where these jobs are? They are at the end of a 4 year college education. This is a reality of professional working women. We go to work, take our kids to the dentist and work extra hours at night to get it done. A lot of us work from home. It's called the internet.

    This article does not apply to the McDonald's cashiers or the Walmart greeters. Their sacrifices are different and they may not have the privilege to decide whether to spend Thanksgiving with their families. My heart bleeds for these women. I am saddened to see mommy dishing fries at 8pm on a Tuesday instead of checking homework, reading to her kids and tucking them in. It makes me wish the system was more accommodating for all women.

    This author wrote a great article that resonated with many of my peers. Bravo!

    p.s. I am not white.. I live in a very diverse neighborhood with Asian, Hindi, Anglo-Saxons and Europeans of all regions. This is not a "white privilege" it is a life-choice privilege
  • Brandy Faulkner

    Ana (aka Laura), a 4-year college degree (I have two, and a Master's) does not typically result in a $100K salary for most women. A work from home salary like that is difficult to find. Perhaps you could provide some data on that in a new blog post.
  • Ana Brgo

    Do I like having a second shift? I personally do. I sit at night where everything is quiet, without the noisy buzz of the office cubicles and I get some of my best work done.

    No interruptions, no distractions. No phone calls. I like it. It helps me focus.

    I have to self-police and maintain a healthy balance. If I overdo the long hours, it will definitely have an impact on the quality of my life and my overall performance --and who likes raccoon eyes? haha

  • I have been doing this for years, nothing new, and setting up remote connectivity is what I helped many people achieve so they could go home and be with family and pick up the pace after everyone had settled down for the night! I hate having to work at home at night, but missing family time is much worse!
  • Za L'La

    I always wonder about the late -night email issue. I frequently send them, and absolutely do not expect any response until "normal" working hours, but I worry, not so much that people think I'm a workaholic, but that they think it's rude to send an email so late. I assume most people like me silence their devices when they sleep, but I worry about pissing someone off with a late night email when I'm just on my second shift.

  • You can always use something like Boomerang for Gmail and schedule emails to be sent the next morning. I usually also find that time between 9:30pm and 11:30pm to be a great time to work too.

  • I get around this perceived issue by writing my late-night emails (and weekend ones) and leaving them in the Drafts folder until the next working morning, and then only sending them. This does mean people might get an avalanche of email from me between 8.30 and 9 am, but at least they can't complain they're getting them at odd hours of the night. It's Sunday afternoon, and after a fairly busy working Saturday & Sunday (about 8 hours of it this weekend), I have 32 emails sitting in my Draft folder, waiting to be sent.

  • It seems like you're doing extra work because the people in your life are jerks (or at least that you fear that they are). Send the emails when you write them. It's their responsibility to manage their own time properly. You are a valuable person. You also have the right to take up space on this planet.