The Promotion I Didn't Take

Being a working parent means trade-offs. But is turning down a promotion for your kids worth it?

I was sitting across from my new supervisor, Susan. She’d worked for the university for nearly 30 years. My previous supervisor left a week earlier for a new job, and things had been chaotic ever since.

At the time, I worked as an academic counselor in a program that served underrepresented students. Before my supervisor Jim left, there were two full-time employees and one part-time. Now I was the only full-time employee. When I told coworkers about Jim’s departure, they assumed that I was the new interim director.

However, I didn’t like that assumption because I didn’t know if I wanted the job.

I had a strong feeling that the reason Susan asked me into her office was to discuss the idea of a promotion, and as I sat across from her, I had a pit in my gut.

She leaned back in her chair for a moment, folded her arms, and then asked me to shut the door. “How do you feel about all of this?” she asked.

“About all of what?” I said. “Jim leaving? Well, I’m a little overwhelmed by all of it, I’ll be honest. And people keep asking me if I’m the new director, which is unexpected.”

Susan raised her eyebrows and nodded, and I got the impression that she wanted to discuss that very subject. We chatted for a while about what needed to be done in the department, and I told her my ideas. Then she said, “I have to confirm a few things with the Department of Education, so I’m not offering you anything right now, but I’m feeling a lot better about making a decision.”

As I left Susan’s office, I didn’t think about failure. I felt confident I could do the job. I thought about my wife, and our children Tristan (age 7), Norah (age 4), and our new baby, Aspen.

The main reason I liked my current job was because it provided an acceptable work-life balance. It wasn’t perfect, but I was content. Ever since I turned 30, I’ve wanted to be a father first, and an employee second.

I realized I was the logical choice for the promotion. I was the only full-time employee, and I knew the most about our current projects. But I also knew about the long hours the previous director spent away from his family, sitting in his office in the evening, writing reports and sending emails. We’d become close friends, and he often mentioned the stress he was under to satisfy both the university and the Department of Education.

But most importantly, I thought a lot about a man I hardly new. My father. He was a heating and air-conditioning contractor and business owner who spent most of my early childhood at work. To ease the stress of managing his own business, he turned to prescription painkillers and alcohol. He ended up plowing through four marriages and died at 49 years old. I think about my father a lot because I don’t want to become him. I don’t want to allow my job, my ambitions, to keep me from being a good father and husband.

After the kids were in bed, I sat on the sofa next to my wife, Mel. The baby was in her lap.

I was a wreck and I hadn’t even been offered the job yet. I felt confident that I would be offered it, though, and I’d have to make a decision. I told Mel about the conversation I had with Susan. I told her about my fears. She asked if the position would come with more money, and I told her that I assumed it would. We talked about how it would be an opportunity to grow professionally. And although we were getting by, more money always helps.

Then we talked about the logistics: How long would the position last? Due to the grant, most likely one year, maybe two. Would I be able to get my old job back once I was done? I didn’t know. Probably not. Could I become the director after the interim was up? It’s possible, but I’d have to reapply. That is...if I even wanted the job after doing it for a year.

“It seems like we’d be giving up a lot of security,” Mel said. “And you’d probably be stressed out all the time, which I hate.”

“I just don’t want to be in a position where I have to choose between our family and my job,” I said. “I don’t know if I want the stress. And I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost more time with the kids. I already lost three years while in graduate school.”

Much of my professional life has come down to choosing between an evening reading stories with my kids, and working late on a project; between taking my wife out for dinner, and meeting with colleagues at a pub to chat about a new project; between a Saturday dance recital, and getting ahead at the office. I think a lot about the tug-of-war between family and work, and in this moment, I decided to keep the rope on my family’s side of the pull.

“One of the main reasons that Jim left was because he wanted more time with his family,” I said.

We sat in silence for a moment. Then I said, “I can’t take it. The job isn’t worth it.”

Mel agreed.

Then, together, we put the baby down for the night.

[Ladder Image: via Shutterstock]

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10 Comments

  • Brandon Rosenthal

    I gave up a big promotion to start gocreateco.com and it was the best decision I ever made! In life I feel like you either live off someone else's dream or build your own. Building your own is scary though because you jeopardize everything. Not sure if I got lucky but know I worked hard and it was the right decision for me. I hope everyone has a chance to build there own dream one day too!

  • Mike Cruse

    Clint, this was another great piece, thank you for sharing. I struggle with this same scenario every day. Every since my son was born all I have ever wanted to do is spend time with hime, and my wife. Unfortunately, like many families, our life/bills situation demand we have 2 incomes in our house. A great deal of my day is spent away from home, either working or commuting, and many times my son is in bed when I get home. It tears me apart to think about what I may be missing, plus I no longer enjoy anything about my job; not even remotely. I really enjoy all your writings, keep it up....they help.

  • Mike Cruse

    Thank you so much for sharing this article with me. We have similar stories (i.e. childhood) which is one reason I really enjoy your writings so much. Thank you again!

  • Good for you, Clint. Thanks for sharing. I'm in the same season in my life with 2 young, adventurous boys Hatch (4, though he's quick to state, "I'm 4.5!") and Lachlan (2, though he's quick to tell you he's "4"). My wife is in the final semester of her 2nd Master's and we both have had to say no to a lot of "success/social/fun" things and are learning to only say "no" more for the sake of our sanity, our relationship, and most importantly our family. My significance/identity is not my career. My family, however, is.

  • Alissa Ulrich Williams

    I just made a very similar decision early this year - having been offered a dream position at another company - the position I said I'd always wanted and one that was the next step up professionally. However at my current employer I have a lot of flexibility with my schedule and can work evenings so I can be home with my girls during the mornings and be a "preschool mom." This new opportunity would mean I would lose all of that. It was really tough to say no, but someone reminded me you don't always have to take every opportunity that comes your way. My children are only little for a short time, while I have many more years left in my career so when I took the long term view it was easier to make the decision. I think the American narrative doesn't acknowledge or reward those who make these types of choices. Thanks for sharing your story.

  • What an awesome comment, Alissa! Thank you for sharing your story! Honestly, I was a little worried about post this. It only happened a few weeks ago. But it is good to know that people like you can relate.