Team USA might have lost Thursday's game against a stronger, faster, more talented, and better-rested German squad 1-0. But in the all-important war on not actually doing work so as to watch the World Cup, we managed to squeak out a tiny victory.
Despite losing to an elite German squad, the United States will still advance thanks to Portugal beating Ghana 2-1 on a late goal by Cristiano Ronaldo.
In other words: We sorta did it! U-S-A! U-S-A!