Stop Tweeting Boring Sh*t: The New Rules of Work

In a new book for Division of Labor, we learn what you should--and shouldn't do--in the modern workplace.

Nothing good comes from hitting "reply all"

Workers should refrain from hitting "reply all" and remember that no one on any office email system has ever said, "I'm so glad I sent my anger-fueled rant to the whole office! It really helped my career!"

If you don't have something nice to say, email it

Workers should avoid direct confrontation with coworkers and should instead compose long rambling diatribes ending with lots of exclamation points, sent out late at night, signifying long hours of dedication and/or alcohol-induced insomnia.

Think before printing and sleeping with coworkers

Before engaging in sexual activity with a coworker, employees should consider whether a fling with a hot twenty-four-year-old sporting a tribal tattoo is worth losing the house and kids over.

Nearly 2/3 of workers have googled themselves

Before engaging in sexual activity with a coworker, employees should consider whether a fling with a hot twenty-four-year-old sporting a tribal tattoo is worth losing the house and kids over.

And The rest are just liars

19% of workers say "Googling themselves" sounds like masturbation.

Please don't as for help until you've googled it

New employees should be aware that most pertinent information about your company is available online. Including previous felony arrests of board members and embarrassing memos written by knuckleheads you work for.

If It's really funny it's probably harrasment

All workers shall recognize that one person's comedy is another person's grounds for a lawsuit. People like suing each other. People with little sense of humor like suing even more.

Please stop hanging your kids artwork

All workers shall recognize that one person's comedy is another person's grounds for a lawsuit. People like suing each other. People with little sense of humor like suing even more.

Please Stop Sighing Really loudly

All workers shall recognize that one person's comedy is another person's grounds for a lawsuit. People like suing each other. People with little sense of humor like suing even more.

Please Stop Sighing Really loudly

All workers shall recognize that one person's comedy is another person's grounds for a lawsuit. People like suing each other. People with little sense of humor like suing even more.

Stop Tweeting Boring Sh*t And Other Extremely Blunt New Rules Of Work

The in-your-face tips from a new book that hopes to make your office less like a grade-school classroom.

Welcome to the New Workplace, or, Nothing You Learned in College Will help You Here, But You Still Have to Pay Back Your Student Loans.

The typical office is undergoing dramatic changes as employees embrace new technology and find more ways to waste time and avoid responsibility. Startups run by socially awkward 20-year-olds with more money than the state of Rhode Island are also contributing to the disruption of the modern workplace. This guide is here to help you navigate the new office politics that some­times feel more like high school than the engines of our economy.

For those of you starting a new job, you will still receive a cumbersome 3-ring binder from the Human Resources depart­ment outlining the rules and guidelines of your new workplace. But all of it was written by lawyers who are protecting the company in the event that you slip on the kitchen floor and hit your head while microwaving oatmeal or in case you get felt up in the park­ing garage by a guy wearing driving gloves and a beret.

Please be advised, the rules in the 3-ring binder aren’t your guide to happiness on the job, and they won’t help you get ahead in this world. Though they might help you find the phone number for your 401k administrator or the details of your dental plan. On the other hand, the contents of our book, Stop Tweeting Boring Sh*t, can be quite helpful. And if you adopt some of the thoughts as your own and make it seem as though you came up with them, people will think you’re funny and might want to have drinks with you and then have sex with you.

Throughout our book, you’ll find facts, insights and random observations that seem to ring true.

Some of the rules contained in this book are less like rules and more like guidelines. And depending on what you do for a living and whether or not you wear pleated slacks, you may find them funny or you may find them not funny at all. If it’s the later, please give this book as a gift to your children.

That should be enough of an introduction for you to get an idea of what’s coming. We now proudly present the New Rules of Work.

Images and excerpts from Stop Tweeting Boring Sh*t by Division of Labor, published by Chronicle Books

--Paul Hirsch and Josh Denberg are the founders of the advertising agency Division of Labor, in Sausalito, California.

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4 Comments

  • Guest

    This is the most self-promotional (and pretty poorly written) piece I've ever seen in Fast Company.  If the book is intended to "make work less like a Grade School classroom," how is it that this article sounds like it was written by two 8th graders?  Really!

  • Daniel Cortes Ampuero

    "And if you adopt some of the thoughts as your own and make it seem as though you came up with them, people will think you’re funny and might want to have drinks with you and then have sex with you."

    Gold.

  • Jason Teitelman

    "If it’s the later, please give this book as a gift to your children." I think you meant latter. Hope the proofreading in the book is better.