Mark Zuckerberg is challenging himself this year by only eating meat he personally slaughters, reports Fortune's Patricia Sellers. "I just killed a pig and a goat," Zuck posted to his private Facebook page on May 4th, eliciting a wide range of responses from his 847 friends. The kill-what-you-eat approach is the latest in a series of "personal challenges" he has set for himself each year (the last one: learn Chinese). "[T]he only meat I'm eating is from animals I've killed myself," Zuckerberg told Fortune. He started small, boiling live lobsters, then graduated to chickens, finally slitting a goat's throat. "So far, this has been a good experience."

Not to be outdone, we decided to break in to Zuckerberg's Palo Alto home, to see what else we could learn about his budding survivalism. In the backyard, just beyond the goat carcass and set of Bowie knives, next to an axe buried in the stump of an oak tree Zuckerberg had felled himself, we came upon the manuscript of a book, "The Mark Zuckerberg Field Guide." Click ahead for excerpts from this work in progress, in which we see some of the most dangerous game Zuck has hunted.

Page 1. The Winklevoss
The Winklevoss is a hulking, towering, blond-haired beast that tends to roam in pairs. The amphibious creature can be found stalking the streets of Cambridge or skimming along the surface of the Charles River. Formidable but often deemed dim-witted, the Winklevoss is easily deceived, though infallibly litigious. Meat is tough and gamey, but all parts are edible.
Page 12. The Eduardo Saverin
This invasive species, originating in the wilds of Sao Paolo, Brazil, made its way to New England using nothing but cunning, strength, and affirmative action. While domesticable--the author once had one as a companion--the Saverin is ultimately best dispensed with in the same manner as the Winklevoss. It is best to fire your crossbow before the Saverin's doe eyes worm their way into your conscience. Gut with fillet knife and cure with citrus.
Page 18. The Aaron Sorkin
A foul creature from the New York woodlands, the Sorkin is readily identified by its moppish fur and pockmarked face. Closely related to the leech, the Sorkin will sap your life force for its own gain. Because of its innate weakness, it is most amusing to engage the Sorkin in hand-to-hand combat. Gristly but flavorful.
Page 27. The Al Franken
This fat-faced, bespectacled critter makes its habitat alternately in the Minnesota backcountry and the D.C. metropolitan area. A paradoxical creature, the Franken loves the attention of naturalists, but will attack them if they turn their binoculars on smaller woodland creatures. The charismatic animal is best hunted with rusty bear traps baited with beef jerky.
Page 62. The Larry Page
Together with its companion species, the Brin, the Page is one of the few formidable creatures out there. To date, their carcasses have eluded my trophy wall. A long, siege like strategy may prove best with these creatures; attempt poaching supportive members from their ecosystem.
Page 63. The Larry Klayman
An obscure, winged, parasitic insect verging on extinction. Cousin to the mosquito, the Klayman will attempt to suck your blood at every chance it gets. Sensing imagined predators everywhere, the Klayman will doggedly pursue the hunter and attempt to sap him of his energy. Best dispensed with a fly swatter and insect repellent.
Appendix A. The MySpace
Whereabouts unknown. The MySpace, a forgotten grublike creature, was only briefly considered worthy sport for hunters and survivalists. Attempts at metamorphisis met with failure; this bug has presumably become the diet of other, more significant foraging creatures. Best ignored.
Page 100. The Privacy
A nuisance which no true woodsman cares about. Dispensed with a single roundhouse kick.

The Mark Zuckerberg Field Guide

Mark Zuckerberg may not be Ted Nugent. But he's pledging to kill everything he eats. But what if the philosophy extended to his human (and business) rivals as well? Perhaps this illustrated field guide will help the tech world's most ambitious Eagle Scout better know his prey when he encounters it in the wild.

Add New Comment