Wow, I can't believe it. I'm gonna be rich! Hmm, what's this video with Tony's email announcing that we're going to be part of Amazon. Jeff Bezos is welcoming me into the Amazon family. Cool. What a nice gesture rather than a sterile press release.
:09 Where is Jeff? Is that his house?
:19 Why is Bezos reminiscing about his startup days? He's not paying $847 million for a company run out of Tony's house with orange extension cables, right? We're a 10-year old company, Jeff!
:36 Damn, Bezos is in great shape. Does he do pilates?
:41 They couldn't run the vacuum cleaner and the business at the same time?
1:06 My first time hearing Bezos' infamous laugh with him as my boss. Kind of a letdown to be honest.
1:15 "My whole body is covered in scar tissue." TMI!!! Heads up next time, so I can grab my barf bag.
1:26 I hope there weren't any dogs running around Amazon when they had that bell ring every time they got an order. Paging, Dr. Pavlov.
2:00 "Everything I know" by Jeff Bezos. In six minutes. Okaaaaaaaaay.
2:10 Does he always have that flip chart out there on the patio?
2:15 Obsess over customers. He's kidding, right? We know! We do it better than you do! That's why you bought us.
2:53 "Obsessing over customers covers a lot of errors." Does it paper over being a condescending lecturer? Because, come on: I've helped build this company, I love working here, I love our customers, and you're talking to me like Jeff Bezos invented customer service and let me explain to you that it's important.
3:00 "Invent. Really important." Tell me more, Mr. Wizard. Sheesh, this guy's kind of a douche.
3:07: What's Amazon's stock price? $88.79. I have how many stock options that could be converted? Awesome: I'm getting that BMW!
3:18 Seriously, where is Bezos? Did he do this deal from his island compound in the Caribbean? He's like a young Bond villain, with that maniacal cackle and the bald head.
3:30 "Listen to customers." Really? I mean, really? I practically have a Twitter app implanted in my brain to communicate with customers and this guy doesn't even have a published phone number.
3:42 Invented the Kindle. You don't say? Does he think we've never heard of Amazon?
3:58 "Think long term." 4:09, 4:08, 4:07....
4:32 It may take a long time for your gambits to pay off for shareholders and your company, but I think I've made up my mind: I am outta here as soon as I have enough for that BMW Z4.
4:50 He's willing to be misunderstood. Congratulations. New theory: Bezos holed up in this supervillain lair and watched the Mark Sanford and Sarah Palin press conferences on a loop. Where else would he have learned to paint himself as the martyr when he's a hypersuccessful billionaire? Two, he's so buried the news in this video. "Uh, Jeff, it might be nice if you mentioned somewhere in the first five minutes that you just bought Zappos and why. Just a suggestion."
5:05 "Amazon.toast" More like Zappos.toast. Bezos' history with acquisitions is terrible. Has any of its purchases ever done much of anything for its business? He hasn't mentioned Zappos once. Is he ever going to?
5:15 Still not hitting that full honking laugh.
5:55 Finally! Hey, thanks for mentioning the name of our company. It's not Voldemort, it's Zappos. You're allowed to say it.
6:29 I'm part of that totally unique culture—unique can't be modified. Read much?—why are you regurgitating what I already live and breathe as if I have no idea?
6:38 "Significant asset," by which I mean, I'll be putting Zappos deep in my underground vault.
6:53 "...how important that culture is to Zappos..." by which I mean, we'll be dismantling it.
7:10 "You're in such great hands with Fred, Alfred, and Tony." Too bad they'll all be gone when their deals expire.
7:52 "It's always day 1." Stop. Talking.