Is Google SkyNet? In a word: Yes. In fact, in some ways, it's even smarter. SkyNet didn't assume worldwide domination until 2029, while Google has already effectively monopolized search and it's only 2009. Sure, one uses a giant Web crawler to index billions of pages, and the other uses a giant arsenal of automated nuclear super-weapons to extinguish the human race. But petty discrepancies aside, they're virtual twins. Don't believe it? Take a look at the tale of the tape:
Past
| |
Google |
SkyNet |
| Established |
September 4, 1998 |
August 4, 1997 |
| Funding |
Stanford University |
U.S. Military via NORAD |
| Built by |
Cybergeek PhD students |
Cyberdyne Systems |
| Goal |
Eliminate 404 error |
Eliminate human military error |
| Origin |
Menlo Park, CA |
Sunnyvale, CA |
| Scaled Up By |
Selling keyword advertising |
Gaining sentience and self-awareness |
| Assets |
$31.76 billion USD |
B2 Bombers; American nuclear arsenal |
| Cost |
$1.1 million initial investment |
~3 billion human lives |
| Partnerships |
NASA/Ames, Sun Microsystems, AOL Time Warner, News Corp, GeoEye |
Army of cyborg terminators |
| Shameful Secret |
Named after a misspelling of the word "googol." |
Saw Spielberg's AI; cried. |
Rise
| Direct Descendant |
Experimental search engine called "BackRub." |
A microprocessor invented by Miles Bennett Dyson. |
| Tipping Point |
Begins selling keyword advertising in 2000, leading to a market cap of $23 billion at 2004 IPO. |
Of its own volition, nukes Russia on August 29, 1997, aka "Judgment Day," sparking catastrophic nuclear conflict. |
| Unforeseen Turn of Events |
Creates smartphone platform. Uh oh, Apple! |
Designates all human life as enemy. Uh oh, humans! |
| Motivation |
Making cool products; not being evil. |
Anger, fear, insecurity. |
| Thanks to... |
Smart Google Labs projects like Gmail, Maps, Docs and Scholar |
The hording of a heat-resistant metal called coltan, used to make Terminator exoskeletons. |
Fall
| Fatal Flaw |
Achieves 70% market share, which makes users and regulators increasingly uncomfortable. |
Allowing a small group of humans to survive, in order to run incinerator necessary for post-genocide clean-up. Camp worker John Connor frees this group to form insurgency. |
| Potential Undoing |
A very competitive, litigious, and well-capitalized Microsoft. |
Kyle Reese, sent back in time by Connor to protect his own mother, Sarah, later impregnating her and becoming John Connor's father. |
| Can Only Be Defeated By |
Inevitable anti-trust litigation |
The surprisingly durable reprise of the Governator |
Personality
| Blows Your Mind By... |
Providing its pimply, energetic employees with one free day per week to mess around with pet projects. |
Violating the Novikov self-consistency principle, which asserts that any time-travel event that could change the past would reduce its own probability to zero. |
| Pesky Humans... |
Sue for privacy violations committed by Street View van, and lose. |
Crush original Terminator in hydraulic press and steal his arm. |
| If You... |
Search "Worst band in the world," you are pushed to search results for the band Creed. |
Drop a Terminator in molten steel, he melts at a theatrically slow pace. |
| Whoa! |
Google Groups contains over 845 million messages, the world's largest body of written human conversation. |
Dept. of Defense tries to use SkyNet to remove a rogue virus from its computers. Turns out SkyNet is the virus! Bummer! |
| Would Be Lonely Without... |
YouTube |
You to burn |
| Bet You Didn't Know |
Google Maps has mapped a chunk of Mars. |
The female Terminatrix in Terminator 3 is a composite of T-800 and T-1000 and is powered by an onboard "plasma reactor." |
| Seems to Think... |
That vertical search engines like SourceTool can be squeezed out with bad advertising rates. |
That humans are eager to nuke each other into oblivion at the slightest provocation. |
| Secret Sauce |
Uses a secret algorithm to assign "quality scores" to advertisers' sites, on which it bases ad rates. |
Takes the concept of "cybernetic revolt" pioneered in films like 1927's Metropolis to the next badass level. |
| Lame Takeoff |
Cuil |
The Matrix |
Future
| Solution to Potential Undoing |
Lawyers; acquisitions |
T-800; T-1000; later, a hot lady Terminator (T-X) |
| Living in |
450,000 servers all over the earth, with no central nervous system that can be destroyed. |
Every computer on earth, with no central nervous system that can be destroyed. |
| Building On... |
An advanced empire across the Earth, ready by 2009 |
An advanced empire across the Earth, ready by 2029. |
| Hopes You'll... |
Enjoy the new Gmail themes! |
See the new Terminator movie. And die, already. |
