A Tongue-in-Cheek Guide for Green Gadget Buyers

Gee-whiz products! Breakthrough ideas! The next wave of must-have enviro-gear will blow your solar panels off.

Wall-Mounted Efficiency Toggle

Don't let the minimalist design fool you. This device can achieve a 100% reduction in power usage and activate the natural light in any room. Best results from 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. (Seasonal variations may occur.)

ioAerial Garment Purifier

Engineered in Switzerland, this razor-thin cord harnesses wind power — a major trend to watch this year. Setup is a snap: Arrange wet garments along the ioAerial to initiate dehydration. Cycle completes in three to four hours. Can be installed indoors or out to utilize sustainably harvested power. (CFC-free clothing clamps sold separately.)

Onpipe Rehydration Service

Scientists have discovered that not all H2O is produced in Fiji, France, and the small mountain principality of Dasani. Although the bottled-water industry claims that when compared with its own products, OnPipe is "basically the same thing" — don't believe it. OnPipe's proprietary high-bandwidth network delivers always-on, in-home renewable drinking water from local sources. OnPipe Premium offers both cold and hot service (recommended).

Subaquatic Flow and Volume Regulator

Made from recycled material, the Regulator is the new tiger in your (toilet) tank. Simply drop it in and enjoy substantial savings on water usage. Americans will save a whopping 900 billion gallons of water per year if this technology goes viral.

Anti-Solar Panels

The anti-solar movement first began in exotic — and ball-of-fire hot — Aruba. Combining special opaque paneling, an adjustable vertical axis, and a full 120-degree variable angle for light displacement and absorption, Anti-Solar Panels will be all the buzz this summer. Fully compatible with the Wall-Mounted Efficiency Toggle.

Smartercar

Introducing the only human-powered, zero-emissions vehicle on the market! SmarterCar is based on proven technology handed down from 19th-century German artisans. Municipalities are adapting their infrastructures to accommodate this hot transport unit, which is out-of-the-box compliant with all major traffic laws.

Eco-Friendly Textile Restoration Kit

Lose a button? Don't toss the entire suit. Cut your waste — and your wardrobe budget — with this chemical-free textile-refurbishment tool. Handheld, user-friendly, and compact, this precision instrument allows you to reattach buttons, mend holes, adjust waistlines, and even eco-convert entire outfits into reusable shopping bags when they go out of style.

Population-Density Moderators

These little wonders pay for themselves almost immediately. Overpopulation is the single most significant contributor to carbon emissions, resource consumption, and road rage. Reduce your ecological footprint and save hundreds of thousands of dollars without compromising your lifestyle.

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