We live in a golden age for hypochondriacs. Rejoice! There are now drugs to treat the types of ailments that my grandfather, a doctor, would have cured by telling us to pipe down and drink a Coca-Cola. But here are the lifestyle drugs we really need:
Regreterol for Data Overload | Do you respond to BlackBerry messages while simultaneously downloading songs to your MP3 player, watching HDTV, talking on an iPhone, playing Nintendo Wii, and stalking people on every social-media application ever invented? Try Regreterol, which simulates the feeling of a vacation, albeit a trip where you're arrested for propositioning a prostitute. The virtual incarceration puts in proper perspective the compulsion to check Twitter feeds constantly.
Bartiromacta for Portfolio Compulsive Disorder | Although often considered merely a type of data overload, Portfolio Compulsive Disorder, which is kind of like Restless Leg Syndrome for refreshing Yahoo Finance, has come into its own in the past six months. Classic symptoms are live-streaming CNBC (or worse, TiVo-ing it to watch later), signing in to your Schwab account so much it triggers a fraud alert, and renting the flick Bottomed Out not realizing that it isn't about the markets. The clotting drug Bartiromacta as well as the lower-dose version, Burnettra, have been proven to seal off the receptors that allow you to read stock charts and 401(k) summaries.
Vertigore for Green Inadequacy Complex | If you're seized with a constant, unwavering, horrible guilt every time you see a piece of plastic, you may have the GIC grippe. Vertigore is a mood elevator that concurrently inflates your self-regard and self-righteousness to cover deficiencies. Possible side effects include using the phrase "If it's yellow, let it mellow"; composting everything even though you're not entirely sure what composting means; an insatiable desire to befriend Laurie David; and clearing a room by opening your mouth. Note: Native American tears and pot have also been shown to treat GIC.
Tequilacil for Idea Dysfunction | Hey, if your elevator doesn't go to the top floor, don't worry; it happens to a lot of guys. Idea Dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of. It usually starts with not getting paid enough and devolves from there. Tequilacil has proven very effective at counteracting the effects of creative block, as the condition is commonly known. Tequilacil: "All your ideas are genius — at least for one night!"
Sopranodone for Water-Cooler-TV Dry Mouth | Usually characterized by verbal diarrhea about telenovels such as The Wire and Mad Men. If your case of WCTVDM also involves complaining about how Stringer Bell and Don Draper never had to worry about cutting Sushi Fridays, gym reimbursements, and "that good bottled tea" to make this quarter's numbers, then you may suffer from Acute Perk Deprivation as well. Entitlemax resets your body clock to your choice of 1958, 1986, or 1999 to alleviate the whining most associated with APD. When Sopranodone and Entitlemax are taken together, your "TV brain" can't relate to your "work brain," thereby rendering you incapable of comparing your sorry state with that of fictional people. Because that's what a crazy person does.
A version of this article appeared in the March 2009 issue of Fast Company magazine.